求高手帮我鉴定一下写作水平。我一直很纠结作文。

我平时会写些小段落作文，抽了一篇如下。
求大家提些意见。
     As is depicted in the picture, one man, feeling extremely sad, is shocked by the huge environmental term named "PM2.5". And the term doesn't mean some meaningless number, but rather marks air pollution. How worrisome it is that we human beings will live in a such polluted city one day!
   The picture, at first, conveys a deep concern about air quality in conurbation . Environment is obviously important . And the better informed we are about the secret casing air pollution, the better our solution will be. Then attention should be concentrated on the relevant laws and regulations, which might not have been strictly enforced to warn people not to pour so many rubbish into atmosphere. And recently the situation is becoming deteriorative , for which reason I feel certain that we will have no more suitable inhabitance to live , if the problem out of control.

大作文满分20分，你这个能拿14分以上。句子通顺，没太多语法问题，而且被动语态和各种从句也都使用得当。
考研作文一般都是三段，最后一段是总结，而你这里只有两段。
你的最后一句话似乎有语法错误。
当然本人水平有限，难以给出更多的建议。