请英语好的同学帮我改一下作文

09年作文
      In the picture above, many people sitting in front of the computer screen, and are all completely absorbed in the thing they make.
The scene depicted has become a common sight in recent years. Speculating about the internet is no longer a new thing among persons—men
and women, old and young, and continues to become more popular.
     But should our person playing online more often? Just as every coin has two side ,there are also two side to due with the problem.
On the active side, communicating with computer is more convenient. We can talk to anyone we like without leaving home. It also helps us save time, only need a useful computer and online, we can keep touching with friends.
     On the other hand, following in the internet is time consuming and would reduce the form communications we take. As we saw, in the illustration, people tend to be districted by the immediate interests, also unknown the world outside. If we allow ourselves to keep the scene going on, we should lost the chance to connect with family, friends, and so on. It makes us far from the true world.
     Personally, I think surfing online is rewarding to us, but should under controlling.


[ 本帖最后由 118175730 于 2009-12-3 19:03 编辑 ]

楼主是自己写的吗？

老实说，你用的单词我写作文时都不一定想的到

但是。。。你文章的第一句话，Many people sitting in the front of....

最起码应该是 are  sitting in the front of ... 啊

后面还有几处中式英语的典型错误，严重的语法错误

我不多说啥了。。。楼主最好在下面的一个月里抽出点时间把语法再看看

In the picture above, many people are sitting in front of the computer screen, and  completely absorbed in the thing they are watching.
What the scene depicted has become a common sight in recent years.
Speculating about the internet is no longer a new thing and continues to become more more popular among people with different sex and age.
But should we.human beings playing online more often?
Just as every coin has two sides ,there are also two sides  related to the problem.
On one hand, communicating with computer is more convenient.
We can talk to anyone we like without leaving home.
It also helps us save time.We can keep in touch with friends by using a computer .
However,on the other hand, following  the internet is time consuming and  reduces the formal communications we take.
As we see, in the illustration, people tend to be districted by the immediate interests, but stay unknown to the world outside.
If we allow ourselves to keep the scene going on, we should lose the chance to connect with the family, friends, and so on.
It makes us far from the true world.
Personally, I think surfing online is rewarding to us, but should under controlling.

In my opnion,  it is nice surfing Internet in everyday life, but we should not be addicted to it.

其实我的作文特别的差  这个里面的好多句子我引用了别人的  真不好意思  还是有这么多错  我慢慢写慢慢改 希望会有一些进步吧

谢谢你帮我改  真心的感谢

谢谢 十分感谢

In the picture above, many people sitting （此处并无错误）in front of the computer screen, and are all completely absorbed in the thing（things） they make.
The scene depicted has become a common sight in recent years. （This common phenomenon saw in recent years）Speculating about the internet is no longer a new thing among persons—men
and women, old and young, and continues to become more popular.(Based on the fact the internet is no longer a new thing, even more, it\'s somewhat necessary in everyday life.)

But should our person playing online more often? Just as every coin has two side ,there are also two side to due with the problem.
(However, the coin has two sides, internet also raises some problems we didn\'t expected, simply say like internet addiction, it already caused many attentions among psychologists and sociologists even criminologists. ) many people, especially teenagers, they very much treat it not merely as a communication tool, far more, they seem to live in the internet. Due to the leading reserch, psychologists and sociologists believe that internet-addicts often feel isolated and aloof with their family and friends in reality, while criminologists  assert that those allurements could lead to the de facto crime. )

So, is the internet addictive, or are addicts using the Internet?

Personally

On the active side, communicating with computer is more convenient. We can talk to anyone we like without leaving home. It also helps us save time, only need a useful computer and online, we can keep touching with friends.

On the other hand, following in the internet is time consuming and would reduce the form communications we take. As we saw, in the illustration, people tend to be districted by the immediate interests, also unknown the world outside. If we allow ourselves to keep the scene going on, we should lost the chance to connect with family, friends, and so on. It makes us far from the true world.
Personally, I think surfing online is rewarding to us, but should under controlling.



提几点建议，结构上有问题，开篇点题很好，但是接下来要探讨Internet的利与弊，作者用了2段较为平衡的写作方法，即有条件的承认或否定，但是2段都没有写的很好。因此，我的意见是，不要把personal的东西放到最后，感觉没有写完，如果你要是想表达一个总结性的发言，换掉personally、

中间的转换过于生硬，也就是承上启下做的不好。缺少一个桥段，很多同学都以为用一个转折词就可以，但是如果你的论述过于单薄不足以支持，那么可以基于上述的论述提一个与下面对立的疑问句，下一段，就可以自问自答，提出平衡结论。最后一段我没有改，请你自己按照正面的作用加上。最后这个文章的结构就是点题---承认是一个普遍现象---现象的负面作用---要不要否定？（承上启下）--正面作用--你的结论即有条件的使用。这样这个结构就是按照层层推进，衔接就很紧凑了。

另外，正反作用论述显得很薄弱，说服力不够。如果我是你，我会全换掉

[ 本帖最后由 andras 于 2009-12-13 07:13 编辑 ]

keep touching with friend
keep touch with