我的又一篇作文

漫画作文，原漫画我找不到了，大概的意思如下：
一个人在餐馆儿里面对满桌菜肴。上面写着一行字“农药、防腐剂、色素，能吃吗?”
我的作文：
   
   From the picture above, we can see that a young man sitting in a restaurant facing plates of food. Simultaneously, he thinks, ”All of the food is filled with insecticide, anti-corrosion, and so forth, how can I take it? ”
   The safety of food is becoming a serious problem in our daily life. To be start with, the sorts of substance adding into food tend to be more and more. It results to the rising number of many illnesses of people, such as heart-disease, blood-disease and so forth. What is worse, the death rate of the diseases above is rising significantly in the last ten years. How horrible it is! But why the food producers still add the drugs into the food? Because of the profits. If they do it, the food can be preserved for a longer time.
   What can we do? As buyers, we can refuse to buy the food that is added with drugs. But that is not enough. What plays the most important part in this is that the government forbids the action of putting harmless things to food. There is no doubt that we must fight for the safety of food.

这个如何？191个词语,不算少了吧。

A man is sitting in a restaurant,ready to savour his delicacy,as isvividly depicted in the drawing above.But theinsecticide,anti-corrosion,and so forth,which are undoubtedly potential disadvantage to one\'s health,make him into a dilemma whether it\'s safe to take it.The phenomenon this cartoon shows here is far from being an individual case and remains thought-provoking!
      The cartoon,undoubtedly,can be interpreted in a symbolic manner.As the world grows increasingly money-oriented, there is no lack of ungrateful,egoistic,heartless businessmen,whose philosophy of life canbe summarized as “Mommy for me, me for money”.The exclusive concern oftheir life has been reduced to material comfort and never care about customers,neglect of whom merely serves as instruments to earn money.
     My personal comment, on this phenomenon, remains essentially a negative one.quality and security of food,as any reasonable soul will agree,are indispensable in today\'s indemnification.The low quality and insecurity of food,as represented here by the picture,and more insociety,are shocking and imperative enough for us to take measures correspondingly,and to remedy those moral deviations.Only with concrete laws and moral consciousness,can people live happily and completely,as vilhelm Friedrich Hegel,the distinguished Germany psychologist,notes.

[ 本帖最后由 perfectsb122 于 2008-1-10 10:52 编辑 ]

1.第一句中that后面怎么两个从句，没有谓语、宾语了。
2.It results to中，result in是导致result from是由于，最好用这两个词吧。
3.last ten years可以改成last decade。
4.第二段最后but和because可以改成The reason why……is……，因为你的这两句都有点短。
5.第二段最后一句可以改成if so或者是个强调句式:They live under the delusion it is only in this way that food can be preserved for a longer time.我感觉你一直想用强调句式。
其他的小建议：tend to一般表示往往，虽然tend也有趋势的意思；突然想不起来了，harmless和harmful有什么区别？

呵呵~先这些吧。写的不错，能看出来，是自己的发挥，不是模板。我觉得关键是要在规定时间内和一定的压力下写出来，这个就有难度了。再给你推荐一篇文章http://www.hjbbs.com/thread-20-465342.htm 我觉得写的不错。

吃饭去了。。。

2楼的看了两遍，没有找出什么问题。有不少非常用词，能加印象分。也写得不错，不过还是这个建议：最好能在规定时间内写完。
这个时候还能踏下心来学习，两位都不容易啊~

原帖由 perfectsb122 于 2008-1-10 00:05 发表
A man is sitting in a restaurant,ready to savour his delicacy,as isvividly depicted in the drawing above.But theinsecticide,anti-corrosion,and so forth,which are undoubtedly potential disadvantag ...

兄弟你太牛了!我的平庸文章被你一改就亮丽多了！谢谢！我打印出来了，准备当范文背诵。

谢谢啊,只是倒过来谢了一遍!

原帖由 fanren1985 于 2008-1-10 07:35 发表
1.第一句中that后面怎么两个从句，没有谓语、宾语了。
2.It results to中，result in是导致result from是由于，最好用这两个词吧。
3.last ten years可以改成last decade。
4.第二段最后but和because可以改成 ...

又是一位牛人啊！谢谢你的指点！我会注意的！
不过，我用ten years而不用 decade是为了凑字数，嘿嘿...

多谢了[s:2] [s:2] [s:2] [s:2]