我的作文，欢迎大家批评！

这个是07年真题的大作文。我写的，请大家帮忙评判一下，谢谢！
最后，请告诉我大概能够得多少分，满分是20。



                                         Believe  Yourself
        As the picture shows, a football-player is going to shot. At this time, he thinks, ”The gate is so small, and the gate-keeper is so strong. How can I kick a goal?” At the same time, the gate-keeper says to himself, ”The gate is so large that I can not keep it!” Why it happens?
      Self-confidence plays an important part in our lives. A man who is lack of self-confidence is tend to underestimate himself, such as the player and the gate-keeper above. How can we have self-confidence? At first, we can tell ourselves “I believe myself, and I can beat any rival” when facing a strong rival. Second, we must believe that the rival we face is nervous and overestimates us. Last but not the least, work hard, practice more, so that we can be more powerful.
      Take Zidane, a great football-player, for example. When on the playground, he always smiles to himself “I believe I can fly, nobody can defeat me.” When practicing, he works heart and soul. If we do what he does, we can be as successful as him.  


我把这个作文发给nini老师看。老师说，没什么语法错误，但中国式英语严重，很象中学生作文。最后她给我打8分，满分20。

[ 本帖最后由 笔为剑 于 2007-12-24 22:38 编辑 ]

看来还是需要好好磨练啊

[s:9] [s:9] [s:9]

不错啊///

原帖由 guophone 于 2007-12-25 11:27 发表
哦 给你 15分 不能再多  也许高三的学生基础好一点就能写出这个水平  楼主不要怪我啊

nini老师说       这个是中考满分作文    参加高考都拿不了满分

I can beat any rival” when facing a strong rival. Second, we must believe that the rival 三个rival，太重复了，给人感觉词汇不多，可改一个为obstacle或者frustration

不好意思  好象不是说原因的 我搞错了 把reasons 改measures

How can we have self-confidence? At first, we can tell ourselves ，太突然，加一句过渡的，比maybe the reasons could   be listed as follows ，first and formost………………

however, at the same time,两个在一起有点不好 有卖弄嫌疑。

哦 给你 15分 不能再多  也许高三的学生基础好一点就能写出这个水平  楼主不要怪我啊