求改文！求批评！求吹毛求疵！(新写06年真题作文)

2005年考研英语大作文 “养老足球赛”

     With the Chinese Words which means “Football Game of Caring Aged Parents” presented at the bottom ofthe given cartoon, there are five persons, an old father crouched into the shape of afootball, three sons and his only daughter of the poor father blocking their owndoor. The four children are acting like a goalkeeper. His first child has the angry face and kick his father out his door, and the rest of them are keeping the farther far away from their own “precious” door.

     It is naturally associated the phenomenon illustrated in the above picture to the fact that more and more children are reluctantly supporting their parents, which are more common in our society nowadays. The parents, some of them have illness, and some of them just are too old to care themselves, so they need to be look after by their children. But lots of children are selfish, ignore their parents, or even absurd, ill-treat them.

     I wouldn’t do things like that. We were raised up by them, who gave us lives and love and afforded our education. We are supposed to appreciate them. And it is my view that there are two respects of solving this situation. On the one hand, according to the less income of aged parents, we should undertake financial responsibility. In addition,we could appeal authorities to make concrete laws to legal such action. On the other hand, as most of the children are working far away from their parents, loneliness could be a more serious problem than anything else. Hence, accompanying parents, giving them emotional care and talking to them are more substantial.

求改文，求吹毛求疵，求批评！
谁来都可以，互相交流，互相学习！

第一次写的我自己都觉得惨不忍睹，上面这个是自己改了之后的样子。但是貌似字数太多了。

新写06年真题作文，13#楼，还是求改。(http://bbs.freekaoyan.com/forum.php?mod=redirect&goto=findpost&ptid=841827&pid=10751296&fromuid=2697833)
06年文已经发新帖：http://bbs.freekaoyan.com/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=842280&extra=page%3D1%26filter%3Dtypeid%26typeid%3D42%26typeid%3D42

yangyuanhaoyun 发表于 2013-10-23 13:23
第一段是不应该是out of?

是的
已经被斑竹改过来了

第一段是不应该是out of?

2006年考研大作文“贝克汉姆”   
   There are two pictures which have a same message—Beckham, who is a famous English soccer player. The left picture has one person with Beckham’s name written on his face, while the right one has another man waiting for a haircut called “Beckham’s style”, which will cost him 300 Yuan.
   These two photos reflect a clear reality that our society is swept by “Beckham hurricane”, a symbol of popular culture. Among of pop culture, it is not only in sports field, but also Pop music, movie industry and so on. For instance, the fans of Jane Zhang, a singer who won second runner-up of Voice of Girls, named themselves “Liangfen” after the first character of Jane’s Chinese name. And the fans know every single songs of Jane, send her cards and flowers, and even pick up her every airplane.
   It is my view that such phenomenon has two distinct aspects. On the positive side, it connects people together, through the idol, sharing same interests and values. Thus, it could be seen as a kind of social communication which would be a great means to ignite our inner passion. On the contrast, pop culture has a powerful strength to influence people. At times, the affection is a good one. Nevertheless, most of the time, it could bring bad effects. Hence, we should hold our own views of what is true or essential. Only in this way, can we not be guided to the wrong road.

想来想去，还是决定在一个帖子里发文。
还是厚颜来求改文。

子书十二 发表于 2013-10-21 17:27
红的绿的很清晰。
谢谢斑竹。

尝试写，并且去提高，这就是很大的进步，相信你一步一步会更好，期待你的进步！！

苹果爱桔子 发表于 2013-10-21 10:32
2005年考研英语大作文 “养老足球赛”     With the Chinese Words which means(我认为这里可以不用) “Foo ...

红的绿的很清晰。
谢谢斑竹。

我发现我在细节上的逻辑顺序不太清晰。
能用的词组、词太少，还是背的少。
有些临时凑句子，写出来就不太顺，感觉很矫情，有些生硬。

下次得用笔写出个大纲来再写作文。

笔为剑 发表于 2013-10-20 22:21
2005年……我就是那年考研的。话说05年的英语题真叫难，我当时只得了56分。06年到08年都比较简单，09年和10 ...

我英语比你高

2005年考研英语大作文 “养老足球赛”

     With the Chinese Words which means(我认为这里可以不用) “Football Game of Caring Aged Parents” presented at the bottom of  the given cartoon, there are five persons, an old father crouched into the shape of a football, three sons and his only daughter of the poor father （可以删掉）blocking their own doors.   The four children are acting like a goalkeeper.

His first child has the angry face and kicks his father out of his door, and the rest of them(可以改为the other three，当然也可以不改) are keeping the farther far away from their own “precious” doors.

     It is naturally associated the phenomenon illustrated in the above picture to the fact（这里，你的意思和用词有一些杂糅了！） that more and more children(children用在此处不好，我觉得改成people比较合适) are reluctantly supporting their parents, which are more common in our society nowadays. 【Caring aged parents becomes a common problem in our society nowadays, which is just like the phenomenon illustrated in the above picture, arousing a great discussion among people. 】

The(These old ) parents, some of them(which) have illness, and some of them just(去掉重复) are （这里加just比较好）too old to care themselves（太口语化了，想一个词组：顾全自己的日常生活之类的）, so they need to be look after by their children（need special considerration about their daily lives）. But (However, people who have the responsibilities of looking after their aging parients are reluctantly supporting their parents. )lots of children are selfish(The selfish children), ignore their parents, or even absurd, ill-treat (treat )them(badly instead).  I wouldn’t do(could never do) things like that. We were raised up by them, who gave us lives and love and afforded our education. [Parents are the ones who bear us, look after and bring us with all their hearts and efforts .] [很明显，你的第三段自然观点段的开篇首先必须要一个引子啊，比如In my point of view]We are supposed to appreciate them. [And now they are old and ill and need our special considerations, in which case we can by no means abandan them of any reasons.]

      And it is my view that there are two respects of solving this situation. [

【两条建议的话，我觉得应该分为：我们能做的和政府能做的，你的放置顺序不太合适】On the one hand, according to the less income of aged parents,(位置放置不太合适) we should undertake financial responsibility [as a consequence of that aged parents usually have low income and bad health]. In addition,we could appeal authorities to make concrete laws to legal such action.（这句作为第二个建议，并且要修改句式！） On the other hand, as most of the children are working far away from their parents, loneliness could be a more serious problem than anything else. Hence, accompanying parents, giving them emotional care and talking to them are more substantial.（放到第一条建议里面去）


红的绿的一大片，你能看清楚吗？？

20号左右跨考网有在线作文批改活动，免费的哦，请关注。

2005年……我就是那年考研的。话说05年的英语题真叫难，我当时只得了56分。06年到08年都比较简单，09年和10年又难。