本帖最后由 Star丶Feng 于 2012-11-28 17:01 编辑
写作原文 考研英语话题图画作文《写作160篇》之“成功需要继续努力”话题读者写作练习
Everybody loves success. Yet pleasure at your own can vanish if you learn that you have fallen behind others. As is shown in the picture, a man achieved the first lying on the first place stand, recollecting his past success with smile. However, he will lose and feel sad in the near future. We should learn this lesson and avoid repeating his way. With the rapid development of our society, the pace and rhythm of life becomes swifter and swifter. Well, no gain without pain, they say. No matter how high achievements he has once made, will lag behind if he stops his painstaking efforts in the fierce competition word. The achievements once made reflect that one is good in the passing day, while working hard in present-day is the way to success. So the clear message is that we should still make efforts after getting some achievements. Hard work is the ultimate source of success. What is more important is modest and persisting on working hard after high achievement. Only by this way, can we make greater success in years to come. 原作点评 Everybody loves success. Yet pleasure at your own can vanish（表意不明）if you learn that you have fallen behind others. As is shown in the picture, a man achieved the first（who won the first prize“得第一”，定语）（加主句谓语动词is）lying on the first place stand（podium“领奖台”）, recollecting his past success with smile. However, he will lose and feel sad in the near future. We should learn this lesson and avoid repeating his way.【一段描述图画，为下文展开话题做铺垫】 （with…句型太老套，且与话题无实际联系，建议替换为相关句式，如谚语等）With the rapid development of our society, the pace and rhythm of life becomes swifter and swifter. Well, no gain without pain, they say.（no pains, no gains.谚语表述错误）No matter how high achievements he has once made,（主句不完整，加主语he）will lag behind（加others）if he stops his painstaking efforts in the fierce competition word（world拼写错误，且应删除）. The achievements once made reflect that one is good in the passing day, while working hard in present-day is the way to success. So the clear message is that we should still make efforts after getting some achievements.【本段思路不清晰，论点和论据不明显。】 Hard work is the ultimate source of success. What is more important is modest and persisting on working hard after high achievement. Only by this way, can we make greater success in years to come.【第三段总结全文，但收尾太仓促，应给出相应的建议措施】 总体点评 1.句式：很多句子汉语思维明显，不符合英语的表达习惯，建议夯实自己的语法基础（可结合《考研真相》中的难句图解）。写作时候最好写自己有把握的句式，不要胡编乱造。 2.用词和搭配：此类细节上的问题，可以看出你的写作素材积累的不够，《写作160篇》的上篇有很多写作词汇和表述，建议加以积累。
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