考研1号《写作160篇》读者写作练习修改与点评”道德滑坡“3（持续更新中...）

写作原文
《写作160篇》考研英语话题写作经典必背20篇之“道德滑坡现象”读者练习

　　Nowadays, moral problems has aroused considerable concerns of people from all walks of life. As is depicted in the pciture, on the bus are four persons--child, an old man, a pregnant woman and a man. The temporary blind man sits on the chair, while the rest of three stands on the bus with reeling to and fro.
　　Needless to say, the purpose of the picture is to reveal that morality is declining in the economic prosperity. For example, nowadays, the hot discussion among people is about whether handing the old when they are in trouble or not. In the past, we answered"Yes" without any hesitation. But today it is a problem for us to deal with. How ridiculous it is! Why the absurd things happened around us? Selfish may be the heart of the problem. Not only is the person who don't offer a hand self-centered, but those who obtain help is also put their own interests on the first place.
In conclusion, it is high time that we should put more emphasis on the social moral problem. First, we need to divide the problem into two part--the help and the recipients. The "help" should give people who is in the trouble a hand and at the same time the recipents should thank for them rather than regarding it as normal, even blackmail them. Morever, journalists should report more good deeds than bad ones. Only doing by this can we build a harmonious society.
原作点评
第一段点评
　　　①Nowadays, moral problems has aroused considerable concerns of people from all walks of life. ②As is depicted in the pciture, on the bus are four persons--child, an old man, a pregnant woman and a man. ③The temporary blind man sits on the chair, while the rest of three stands on the bus with reeling to and fro.
　　首段是对漫画内容进行描述：临时盲人独坐，携小孩子老人站立。
　　　⑴注意第一句中的主谓一致问题。problems has aroused→problems have aroused。
　　　⑵ 请注意第二句，on the bus are four persons →on the bus there are four persons；child→ a child。
注意第三句后半句，建议改成while the rest of three stands on the bus with reeling to and fro→while the other three stand on the bus vacillating and staggering。
第二段点评
　　①Needless to say, the purpose of the picture is to reveal that morality is declining in the economic prosperity. ②For example, nowadays, the hot discussion among people is about whether handing the old when they are in trouble or not. ③In the past, we answered"Yes" without any hesitation. ④But today it is a problem for us to deal with. ⑤How ridiculous it is! ⑥Why the absurd things happened around us? Selfish may be the heart of the problem. ⑦Not only is the person who don't offer a hand self-centered, but those who obtain help is also put their own interests on the first place.
　　揭示漫画深刻内涵，并举例说明。
　　　⑴ 注意第二句，whether handing the old when they are in trouble or not→whether we should hand the old when they are in trouble。
　　⑵ 第五句，self→selfness，作主语，应为名词。

第三段点评
　　　①In conclusion, it is high time that we should put more emphasis on the social moral problem. ②First, we need to divide the problem into two part--the help and the recipients. ③The "help" should give people who is in the trouble a hand and at the same time the recipents should thank for them rather than regarding it as normal, even blackmail them. ④Morever, journalists should report more good deeds than bad ones. ⑤Only doing by this can we build a harmonious society.
　　第四段作者给出解决“道德滑坡”问题的途径。
　　⑴第②③句，搞不清写作者想表达的意思。猜测作者想表达“people should offer help to those ones who need them. And in return these persons who get help should appreciate what others do for them，rather than regarding as what others own them.”
　　⑵Only doing by this→ only by doing these.
总体点评
文章亮点：文章基本结构完整。思路基本清晰。
文章错误：①整体把握：缺乏论据，文章不能吸引人，受汉语思维影响的句子较多。
②表达问题：词汇和短语句型使用较为一般，缺乏亮点。
③语法错误：文中有少量语法错误（名词作主语）。
修改意见：背诵不同优秀作文，平时多进行仿写练习，积累一定的表达素材。进行词汇、句式高级替换练习。建议抽时间看看21世纪。
参考分数（满分20分）：11

修改展示
　　Nowadays, moral problems has aroused considerable concerns of people from all walks of life. As is depicted in the pciture, on the bus there are four persons—a child, an old man, a pregnant woman and a man. The temporary blind man sits on the chair, while the other three stand on the bus vacillating and staggering.
　　Needless to say, the purpose of the picture is to reveal that morality is declining in the economic prosperity. For example, nowadays the hot discussion among people is about whether we should hand the old when they are in trouble. In the past, we answered"Yes" without any hesitation. But today it is a problem for us to talk about. How ridiculous it is! Why the absurd thing happens around us? Selfishness may be the key reason. Now moere and more people just care the interests of their own and ignore the others around them.
In conclusion, it is high time that we should put more emphasis on the social moral problem. Generally speaking，people should offer help to those ones who need them. And in return these persons who get help should appreciate what others do for them，rather than regarding as what others own them. Moreover, journalists should report more good deeds rather than bad ones, to encourage people to care about others. Only by doing these can we build a harmonious society.

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好啊！！！！