【第三讲】《写作160篇》经典必备30篇大作文习作点评“成长教育类”★★★

成长教育类：今天增加了修改展示的环节，前后对比一下，看看究竟是哪些地方提高了我们的写作分数……

一、论个性

杨洋 2011年10月11日

写作原文

①As the picture shows, to be individual means we should not be afraid to be different. ② Then, we can't help asking what is individuality? ③There are a sea of interpretations for it. ④Yet, from where I stand, individuality, a fashionable word, with the spirit of the times, means don't fall in with the crowd, dare persist what he believed, and have the courage to bring forth new ideas. ⑤The characteristics of individuality,which we can find out, from anyone who has a great  performance in his industry.

①Steven Jobs, a celebrated inventor and merchant who did much to change our life, is a good case in point. ②Interestingly, like Bill Gates, when Steven Jobs was nineteen, he chose suspension of schooling unexpectedly. ③He explained the reason, at the commencement of stanford in 2005, is that he was not interested in his major, so he decided to learn something he interested, such as computer and art words, which seemed unrelative while do have changed our life appearently.

①Individuality, a terrific character, is indispensable for the elites. ②The incrediable and unbelievable ideas spring from the individuality and originality, so you should go your own way, and don't drift with the tide.

原作点评

第一段点评

第一段根据图画，理解图画的核心意思，提炼出主题，便于下文的叙述。

①句：开门见山，直接指明图画的含义，“不要害怕与众不同，要有自己的个性”。

②句：开始引出对individuality“个性”的探讨。③句说“关于它的解释有很多”。

④句表明自己的见解，对这一词汇进行详细的解释，名词性短语，a fashionable word“时髦的名词”, the spirit of the times“时代精神”，with应去掉；需要注意三个部分都是means的内容，dare和have是与means并列的动词短语，都应用单三形式deres和has；“掉进人群里（即千人一面）”的正确表述是don't fall into the crowd。为了避免句意混乱，全句可改为：…individuality , a fashionable word and the spirit of the times, which means don't fall into the crowd, dares persist what he believed, and has the courage to bring forth new ideas.

⑤句：“个性可以在那些行业精英什么身上得以体现”，注意which引导的非限定性定语从句修饰的是the characteristics of individuality，整个句子没有谓语，建议改为：The characteristics of individuality will be found out from anyone who has a great performance in his industry.这一句在意思和第二段更加接近，可以放在二段的开头，作为二段的总领句。

第二段点评

第二段列举相关事例，支撑自己的观点，符合directions的第二条。

①句：乔布斯是一个很好的例子，is a good case in point是常见表述。 6

②句：对人物的相关事件进行阐述，“休学”suspension of schooling。

③句：对事件的原因进行揭示，后面的表语从句揭示乔布斯休学的原因，是不喜欢自己的专业；be interested in“对……感兴趣”,在转换成被动语态时，in不能省略。没有unrelative这个单词，可用irrelevant“不相关的，无关的”来替换。

第三段点评

第三段针对前文的阐述，再次强调“个性”的重要作用，要走自己的路，不要随波逐流。incredible拼写错误。

总体点评

文章错误：句法错误：句型结构错误较多，句子主要成分残缺或重复，在语法角度上搭配不当。

修改意见：了解基本语法句型知识，避免简单的表达错误。先从简单句练起，掌握了基本写句能力后再练习复合句，循序渐进。多读多写多积累，提高语感，训练分析总结能力，增加写作可用素材。

参考分数（满分20分）：9分

修改展示

As the picture shows, to be individual means we should not be afraid to be different. Then, we can't help asking what is individuality? There are a sea of interpretations for it. Yet,from where I stand, individuality, a fashionable word and the spirit of the times, which means don't fall into the crowd, dares persist what he believed, and has the courage to bring forth new ideas. The characteristics of individuality will be found out from anyone who has a great performance in his industry.

Steven Jobs, a celebrated inventor and merchant who did much to change our life, is a good case in point. Interestingly, like Bill Gates, when Steven Jobs was nineteen, he chose suspension of schooling unexpectedly.He explained the reason, at the commencement of stanford in 2005, is that he was not interested in his major, so he decided to learn something he interested in, such as computer and art words, which seemed irrelevant while do have changed our life appearently.

Individuality, a terrific character, is indispensable for the elites. The incredible and unbelievable ideas spring from the individuality and originality, so you should go your own way, and don't drift with the tide.

二、因材施教

violinandmoon 2011年10月17日

写作原文

①As is vividly shown in the drawings, a mother duck is holding her child and asking a monkey teacher to teach her child----a little duck, to master the skill of climbing trees. ②The monkey teacher seems quite stunning to heard her words.

①This cartoon presented a thought-povoking phenomenon in our temporary society. ②As it knows to all, today's society is full of competition, therefore, the vast majority of parents urgent their children to learn more skills regardless of their talents and physical conditions, just as the mother duck request her child to learn how to climb trees. ③Moreover, this kind of behavior also brings trouble to teachers, for no matter how skillful the monkey teacher is, it is almost impossible for him to teach a duck who has not claws to climb trees.

①There is no denying that individuals should learn more skills, but it is important that one 7

should select a right way and correct direction. ②Specifically, parents should consider their children's talents and advantages when making decisions, so as to make full use of advantages and maximize the success, otherwise, they might waste time and achieve little success.

原作点评

第一段点评

首段描述漫画内容，鸭子妈妈希望猴子能教会自己的孩子爬树。

①句drawings应使用单数drawing。

②句stunning用得不错，比一般常用的surprised特别。不定式to后hear用动词原形。

第二段点评

二段结合现实分析漫画内涵，现在的家长让孩子学的很多东西已经超出了他们的接受范围。

①句present用一般现在时态。provoking拼写错误。our和temporary同时使用显得多余，使用一个即可。

②句句首应为固定表达as is known to us，表示“众所周知”。urgent为形容词，此处用法不对。request保持主谓一致。

③句for引导的原因状语从句用得不错，同时还嵌套了no matter引导的让步状语从句，为句子增加了亮点。第三段点评

末段针对漫画现象提出解决措施，总结全文。

①句固定搭配用法不错。

总体点评

文章错误：①用词错误：一二段在词汇单复数、时态和词性使用方面有明显错误。

②中式英语：二段①句末尾处错误是中式英语，表达啰嗦，注意语言简洁性。

③句法错误：二段②句句型结构错误，用错常见句型。

修改意见：写作时细心认真，避免最基本的词汇错误。锻炼英语表达思维，从范文常见句型总结规律。加强基本句型知识。

参考分数（满分20分）：10分

修改展示

As is vividly shown in the drawing, a mother duck is holding her child and asking a monkey teacher to teach her child----a little duck, to master the skill of climbing trees. The monkey teacher seems quite stunning to hear her words.

This cartoon presents a thought-provoking phenomenon in temporary society. As is known to us, today's society is full of competition, therefore, the vast majority of parents force their children to learn more skills regardless of their talents and physical conditions, just as the mother duck requests her child to learn how to climb trees. Moreover, this kind of behavior also brings trouble to teachers, for no matter how skillful the monkey teacher is, it is almost impossible for him to teach a duck who has not claws to climb trees.

There is no denying that individuals should learn more skills, but it is important that one should select a right way and correct direction. Specifically, parents should consider their children's talents and advantages when making decisions, so as to make full use of advantages and maximize the success, otherwise, they might waste time and achieve little success.