【考研1号】“2014作文修改”——【第四期英语二“邻里交流”】

Moonriver 发表于 14-11-1 23:36
请老师指正……可以的话能打分吗？辛苦了…！

写作原文

        How do you get along with your neighbors? Throughout the chart above that had 186 people investigated（建议改为As shown in the chart above, 186 people are investigated), (加and) it can be informed that there’re several models, including “seldom or not（never）communicate”, “greeting only” and “frequent communication”（首先，including为介词，后面跟名词、代词或动名词；其次，“交流”侧重于动作，因此用动名词比较合适。因此改为“seldom or never communicating”， “only greeting” and “frequently associating”，最后一处使用associating是为了避免用词重复）, that（that不能引导非限定性定语从句） people use to deal（改为are used to dealing来表达“习惯……”的概念） with their neighborship（neighbors）（删除。前面已经使用“How do you get along with your neighbors?”这一问句，后面的“…there’re several models, including…”是对其进行的回答，因此这一部分表意重复。）, each accounts for 6.99%, 40.86% and 52.15% in the proportion（each意为“每一个”，用在这里不合适。建议改为accounting for 6.99%, 40.86% and 52.15% respectively，即用现在分词短语作伴随状语。）.
        （第一段点评：本段先用一个问句来引出人们对于图表的关注，然后具体阐述图表信息，这一叙述方式相对较好。存在的问题有：其一，图画描述没有侧重点，且语言表意不够精准；其二，本段及第二段都没有点明图表寓意，这一点不容忽视。）

        Communication is to man what water is to vegetation. It is communication that counts, playing a crucial role during we social group’s evolution（in the course of human evolution）. Only by keeping connect（connecting） will we acquire more complementary knowledge, build up a more cosy（cosy意为“warm，comfortable and safe，especially because of being small or enclosed”，用在这里不合适） society. Without communication, life will be full of baffles and loneliness. What’s worse, it（it指代不明，建议改为【, which, even worse,】，即用非限定性定语从句来衔接） may bring about frustration. That’s why people prefer communicating frequently with neighbors to ignoring（加them）.
        （第二段点评：文章首句“Communication is to man what water is to vegetation”表明接下来的论述围绕交流的重要性展开，接着作者从正反两面着手，对比论证交流的重要性。“正因为交流如此重要，所以人们才更愿意与邻居往来而不是忽视他们”。这一论证本身没有什么问题，但是作者忽视了几乎不与邻居往来的人们占据47.85%，与经常与邻居交流的52.15%相差不是甚远，不能得出“people prefer communicating frequently with neighbors to ignoring them”的结论，因此建议删除最后一句。）

        To create a more appropriate circumstance（建议改为friendly atmosphere）, not only should the neighbor-between communication be out of polite（communication between neighbors be out of politeness，注意polite是形容词）, but it should be agreeable and sincere. Not so familiar （建议改为Unrelated） though neighbors are, it still be（is）necessary for people to communicate with（加each other）, so that we can make it a harmony（harmonious）world all together.
        （第三段点评：本段作者阐述自己的观点，先针对如何改善邻里关系给出了自己的建议，之后呼吁人们加强交流，并提出这样做的好处。这一写作思路条理清晰，前后连贯。）

参考分数（满分15分）：7

总体点评

总体而言，本文的立意和写作方向没有什么大的问题，需注意以下几个方面：
1. 看到图表时需先分析，清楚其想要表现什么内容；描述图表要根据文章的立意分清主次，并借助语言表达来体现；描述完图表后，需点明图表的寓意，因为这是文章主旨的体现，起着统领全文的作用，千万不可忽视。
2. 文章段落之间缺少衔接，应借助连词、过渡句等衔接技巧加强段落彼此之间关系的体现。此外，注意语句之间的语意衔接。
3. 文章有一些语法错误，需注意介词的用法、定语从句的引导词、系动词的形式等问题。
4. 记忆单词的时候，一方面要注意单词的词性，另一方面要注意近义词之间的词义区别。
5. 文章有一些语言表述不够精准或不够地道，这一点需逐步改善。

总之，作者应在明确文章的立意和主旨、加强段落衔接、巩固相关的语法知识等方面进行努力，同时注意词语的词性和词义，并逐步加强自己的英语表述能力。

                                                            

  考研1号编辑部
                                                              2014年 11月6日

第一次写作文，麻烦请老师指点，十分感谢




     The table given above compares the proportions of communications between neighbors, indicating that the neighborhood relations may appear more detached than we have imagined. From the table, it is pity that only 52.15% people could communicate with their neighbors frequently，which means that nearly half of individuals would seldom or never do it.


     This phenomenon —— people are indifferent to each other is not isolated —— could be weighed heavily by several factors. Firstly, as the economic boom brings not merely material comfort but fast rhythm of daily life as well, modern citizens, especially those in metropolises, are undergoing an unprecedented pressure from work so that they don’t have time and energy to take care of relationship among neighbors. Additionally, the overwhelming use of Internet and the wide emergence of innovative E-products, ranging from smart phone to Ipad Mini, have prevented our fellow citizens from talking with each other face to face. Instead of chatting in real life, people are discussing issues in virtual zones, which are comprised of many chilly computers.

     To sum it up, living in a modern country, neighborhood gives people a sense of strangeness. Thus, we should help them resolve the alienation and leave imagined world. Communication is necessary for everyone.

考研1号编辑部 发表于 14-11-5 16:15
写作原文

        The pie chart above clearly reflects the situation about communications（com ...

O(∩_∩)O谢谢老师

EllenWonka 发表于 14-11-2 01:05
　　The above table manifestly reflects how often people communicate between neighbors. Based upon t ...

写作原文

        The above table manifestly reflects how often people communicate between neighbors（with their neighbors）. Based upon the data offered, we can see that there are 13 residents barely talk (talking) to their next door out of 186 interviewees, （加accounting for）6.99 percent of them（删除）. In comparison, the number of dwellers who greet their neighbors only soars dramatically to 76—the percentage of 40.86（改为【,taking up 40.86%】）. Meanwhile, more than half of the total claim that they always have communications with（communicate with）people living around them.
        （第一段点评：本段作者先说明图表表现的是人们与邻居交流的频率，之后一一描述图表中所展示的三种类型。需要注意的是，在描述图表时，只需抓住能够体现文章主旨的重点信息，以使语言更加简洁。同时，文章没有明确地提出图表寓意，这对于确定文章主旨起着至关重要的作用，不可忽视。）

        Depending on the chart, we can assume that the tiny majority may have taken advantages（advantage） of keeping in touch with neighbors. First and foremost, human beings hardly are solitary creatures. When we reside in the middle of a community, it’s inevitable to build connections with each other. In addition, getting on well with neighbors can bring us actual benefit (benefits). We mortals might be trapped into some kind of emergency that need helping out（that不能引导非限定性定语从句，可改为so that we are desperate for help）. Last but by no means least, fantastic relationships somehow（建议删除） is（主语relationships使用复数，注意保持主谓一致，改为are） a crucial part of our lives. Communicating with neighbors can lighten up our daily lives.
        （第二段点评：本段第一句“Depending on the chart, we can assume that the tiny majority may have taken advantage of keeping in touch with neighbors”表明本段重在分析图表中经常与邻居交流的52.15%的人群，take advantage of这一短语的使用不免使人猜测作者接下来会论述与邻居交流能给人们带来什么好处。然而，文中所述的第一点“human beings hardly are solitary creatures…, it’s inevitable to build connections with each other”是与人交流的不可避免性；第二点“…getting on well with neighbors can bring us actual benefits…”是在说明邻里交流的益处；第三点前半部分陈述fantastic relationships的重要性，后半部分具体说明与邻居交流的好处——这三点内容更像是在论述为什么要和邻居相处的原因。总之，本段论点不明确，论点和论据之间缺少衔接，致使段落主旨不明晰。此外，尽管作者使用了“First and foremost”, “ In addition”和“ Last but by no means least”来衔接三个论据，但却忽视了每个论据内部的衔接，如“getting on well with neighbors can bring us actual benefits”和“We mortals might be trapped into…”之间缺少能够体现两者关系的连词。）

        Nevertheless, quite a ratio of people are not willing to have a conversation more than greeting with their neighbors（quite a number of people are only willing to greet their neighbors rather than have a conversation with them）. Indeed, each of us have（has，主语为each，保持主谓一致） every right to choose any kind of lifestyle without being judged, but, in my point of view, appropriate communications （communication作“交流”之意时不可数）can never be harmful.
       （第三段点评：上一段中，作者指出大部分人经常与邻居交流，并对其进行了具体阐述。接着，本段笔峰一转，提出“仍有很多人仅和邻居见面打招呼而不深入交流”，之后说道“每个人都有权选择自己的生活方式，旁人不能随意评论”，由此引出作者自己的观点“但是，我认为适当的交流绝无害处”。因此，文章通过对比两种不同的人群，辩证地给出自己的观点。）

参考分数（满分15分）：8

总体点评

本文存在以下几方面的问题：
1. 文章没有明确表明图表的寓意，致使文章主旨不明晰。同时，文章第二段的论点也不明确，段落主旨不够清晰。
2. 文章部分语句之间缺少相应的衔接，彼此独立。
3. 文章的字数稍微有点儿多，建议在描述图表部分进行适当删减。
4. 文章有部分语法问题：注意谓语动词与非谓语动词的区别，保持主谓一致（尤其当主语为each时），注意同一单词既可作可数名词又可作不可数名词的情况，注意名词的数。
5. 文章有一些语言表达不够地道。

总之，作者的写作亟待解决的问题是使文章的立意和主旨更加明晰化，同时注意语意衔接，并加强相关的语法知识复习，并逐步提升自己的语言表达。
                                                            

  考研1号编辑部
                                                              2014年 11月7日

小四爷 发表于 14-11-4 18:40
缺少谓语那里我是想用独立主格来～很明显用错了噗
我以为in no case can we deny that可以是一个完整的 ...

可改为“The quickening pace of modern life leading to egocentricity, which will hinder social progress, in no case can we deny that the function of the network is overestimated by us…”，or rather 后面的句子与that引导的宾语从句并列，作者想使用的独立主格结构为in no case can we deny...这一整句的原因状语，若作为插入语会割裂这一并列关系，容易使人误解，因此需调整顺序。

冯信子 发表于 14-11-2 11:00
Communications Between Neighbors
    A ...

写作原文
        As can be seen from（加the） diagram above, though the figure of residents who usually communicate with their neighbors is narrowly beyond 50 percent, it is far from what we expect, and there is（本句的主语是people而不是proportion，因此应改为are） still a comparatively large proportion of people belonging to the group which is just simply greeting when meeting their neighbors or even none（who just simply greet their neighbors when meeting them or almost never talk to them）（建议改为though the figure…is narrowly beyond 50 percent, which is far from what we expect, there are still…，以加强语意衔接。）.
        （第一段点评：本段作者在描述图表时，使用了连词though表示让步关系，表明作者想要突出体现的是后面的部分，即只与邻居见面打招呼和几乎不与邻居交流的人群。由第二段的内容可知，本文的主旨是分析邻里关系淡漠这一现象，因此作者在描述图表时重点突出，目的明确。）

        What the thought-provoking graph illustrates is a common phenomenon in current society（in contemporary society）. There are generally two factors accounting for it. Above all, with the increasing pace of our modern life, it seems that almost every inhabitant who is occupied with their endless work or study has no sumptuous（extra）time to communicate with their neighbors. In addition, （加the）development in technology brings a platform for convenient online communication. As a result, people communicate little in reality and more and more people lack effective communication skills. Admittedly, it is because of less communication that our society is becoming indifferent.
        （第二段点评：本段先用“What the thought-provoking graph illustrates is a common phenomenon…”一句说明图表寓意，然后用“There are generally two factors accounting for it”一句统领全段，说明本段的主旨是分析现象原因。接下来，作者分别从“没有时间交流”和“现代科技改变了人们交流方式”两个方面进行陈述。最后，作者用“it is because of less communication that our society is becoming indifferent”一句予以总结。这种“总—分—总”的论述方式使论证充实有据。但是，作者在描述图表寓意时用的是a common phenomenon这一模糊概念，并没有明确表明图表揭示的是什么现象（由后面的总结可知，应为“our society is becoming indifferent”），建议点明具体的寓意，使段落首尾呼应。）

        It is imperative that we should take some drastic measures. First and foremost, the community should move forward in terms of establishing congregate activities（concrete activities） and social intercourse skills should be universalized among residents. Furthermore, individuals should cultivate the awareness of communication（此处用动名词更合适，改为communicating） with neighbors in reality. With a proper step, I believe that the relationship between people will be harmonious and we will embrace a better and warmer society.
    （第三段点评：句首 “It is imperative that we should take some drastic measures”一句表明本段的主旨为给出具体的建议措施，之后作者从the community和individuals两个角度给出这一现象的解决办法，最后一句“With a proper step, I believe that…”表明作者对于解决这一问题的决心，思路清晰，内容连贯。然而，既然上一段是分析导致图表现象的原因，则本段若能结合原因给出具体的解决措施会更符合逻辑。）

参考分数（满分15分）：10

总体点评

文章描述图表重点突出，写作思路清晰连贯，论证方法也相对比较娴熟，需注意以下几点问题：
1. 在揭示图表寓意时一定要明确，以使文章的写作主旨更加明晰。
2. 要意识到文章是一个整体，前后内容应该联系紧密，而不是彼此孤立，想到什么写什么。即作者需保证上下文内容连贯，共同服务于文章的主旨，也就是加强文章的逻辑严谨性。
3. 文章有细节语法问题，注意there be句型的主谓一致、定语从句先行词和引导词之间的关系、冠词的用法以及名词与动名词的区别。
4. 受汉语影响，文章有部分词语使用不够精准和地道。

总之，作者的写作手法相对而言比较成熟，只要能够攻克以上几个问题，定能获取高分！加油！

                                                        

       考研1号编辑部
                                                              2014年 11月7日

1  14-11-7 11:19
The quickening pace of modern life leading to egocentricity, which will hinder social pr ...

嗯嗯谢谢老师

考研1号编辑部 发表于 14-11-7 16:27
写作原文
        As can be seen from（加the） diagram above, though the figure of residents who ...

原先只是知道英语作文重逻辑，看完老师的分析真是令人叹服！
老湿提出的意见很细致到位，我造接下来前进的方向啦~~
蟹蟹老湿一个月来为我们辛苦批改作文哦~么么哒~[p:27]

Neighborhood communication

From the table above,we can learn some social investigation data about neighborhood communication.There are 13 persons who's communicated with neighbors seldom or incompletely in sample size about 186 persons; and there are 76 persons whose way of communication is only greeting with each other；and there are 97 persons who's communicated often.The chart shows that there is only 50 persent person regularly communicated each other.

What could have changed in just these years to make this phenomenon？Three main causes can lead to this consequences.First, time for the communication had been getting short because of everybody's busy work schedule.Second, due to the popular social networking,people are more willing to communicate with others through network but not a face-to-face talking with neighbors.Third,we are becoming increasingly less dependent on neighbors.Neighbours often helped one another in past year,but today,we thought we needn't.

Every thing has two aspects.We can not say for certain that less neighborhood communication  is not necessarily a bad thing.Man is a sociable creature.We need to face to face communication.Please give more care for your neighbors,and our society will become more harmonious.

冯信子 发表于 14-11-7 20:06
原先只是知道英语作文重逻辑，看完老师的分析真是令人叹服！
老湿提出的意见很细致到位，我造接下来前进 ...

不客气，能够对大家的写作有所帮助，我们也很开心！虽然我们的四期活动就快结束了，但是如果你们在写作方面有什么疑问，都可以在这个帖子下留言，老师看到会尽快回复的。考研1号在此祝各位小朋友都考中自己理想的学府，加油哦！！！[r:15][r:15][r:15]