本帖最后由 考研1号编辑部 于 2013-10-22 15:43 编辑
arthashao 发表于 2013-10-19 18:02
Nowadays, there seem to be a tendency of breaking moralities prevailing in our society. Just a ...
写作原文 Nowadays, there seem(seems) to be a tendency of breaking moralities (break作“违反”意讲时,后面跟的是法律、协议、承诺等;且morality作“道德准则”讲时不可数,作“道德体系”讲时可数。改为violating moral codes较合适) prevailing in our society. Just as the cartoon depicts, in the bus crowded with passengers, a “blind” person, who is actually healthy, is sitting on the seat which is provided for special populations, with an old man, a child and a pregnant woman aside and helpless. The progress of ethics is an indicator of the level of civilization in a society. Apparently, the situation in the picture above, to some extent, hinders this advance and may bring about a serious effect on our moral life. Such a moral degradation has been common in the modern life. Food businessmen can add illegal and toxic ingredients into food that we eat everyday in order to reduce the cost and gain more profits. Passersby no longer help the elder who falls on the way and waits someone to offer assistance, because they are afraid to be viewed as the accident makers. Were the trend to continue as it is, people would live under the shadow of deception and suspicion. It’s urgent for us to make efforts to bridge the ethical gap. First and foremost, morality-concerned curriculums should occur in the primary schools, which help children to cultivate conscience and goodness.(此句最好表达为:morality-concerned curriculums,which help children to cultivate conscience and goodness,should occur in the primary schools.以免使人产生“which是指代前面整个句子,因此help应使用单三形式”的误解。) In addition, those who are deaf to the ethics must be punished and accused in order to alarm people not to try to violate these holy regulations.
总体点评 文章保持了作者之前的行文特色,内容充实,衔接良好: 1. 文章主体部分围绕一个中心举例描述,并且举例很贴切,又紧扣话题,这是考研英语作文扩充内容的一个很好的方法。 2. 文章第二段依然采用很好的“语义衔接”。先说明“道德进步是社会文明的指向标”,用副词Apparently引出“图述行为阻碍了进步并带来严重后果”的转折,之后说明“此现象很普遍”,然后列举了两个与话题关系紧密的社会道德热点问题,接着说“如若此类现象继续,则……”。文章的思路很清晰,同时内容也很充实。 3. 此外,作者相对于上篇文章,在第一段开门见山提出现象,然后再描述图片,这一点也较好。 作者需注意细节问题: 1. 主谓应该保持一致,there seem to be a tendency… 2. 遣词造句应该更加严谨一些,在写之前仔细斟酌,以免引起不必要的争议。
总之,作者的语法基础和写作功底都很好,应更加仔细,写完后检查几遍,尤其是在“主谓一致/动词的单复数”与“名词的单复数”等容易因为粗心而导致错误的细节方面。 参考分数(满分20分):15 考研1号编辑部 2013年10月22日
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