【考研1号】“作文修改活动”——【第三期2013年真题+“论选择”】

多谢桔子~

大家都很勇敢的迈出了第一步，动笔了，值得鼓励哦！请亲们耐心等待一下，我们编辑会稍后及时给大家的作文做修改点评的。[a:38]

选择了第二篇，请老师批改指正~谢谢！这两天回校上就业指导和办手续，来晚了T T这会儿在图书馆的电脑上狂码~希望自己比上一篇有所提高~

  What does author intend to convey by describing the sign? In the middle of the picture erect a road sign, which has two arrows pointing at diffrerent directions on it, turn left or right, guiding the separate roads forward, with a line going like this:Only you can choose your direction. Simple as the picture is, the symbolic meaning is as deep as ocean.
  
  The author asks us a thought-provoking, philosiphic question that how to choose our life and kindly gives us an answer. The answer is there is no answer.Only by ourselves can we select our own future.People are more confuse about that question currently due to technology and economy's dramatic rise during the past decades,consequently,individuals have too much choices owing to the information globalization. As a case in point, the graduate have numerous choices for their future consisting of apply for work, start own business,continue study as a post-graduate and so on nowadays.

  How can I pick out the best one from so many choices? That's a tough chanllenge to all of us. Just remember one thing that you're the master of your own life, and don't panic. As an old proverb says: "All road leads to Rome." People can achieve success not only if they made the best choice but also insist it.

悠弥北北 发表于 2013-10-26 18:56
总算能早点儿交作文了，多谢老师批改···感觉没话说···一直在绕···All roads lead to Rome, which  ...

写作原文

    All roads lead to Rome, which one belongs to you? There has been a heated discussion about a picture in the newspaper, in the middle of the picture has（has是中式思维，改为is） a striking road sign indicates（一个句子中出现了两个谓语动词——has/(is)和indicates，改为indicating或者which/that indicates，因为后面用了定语从句，因此改为前者更好）two ways, which are running (run和way搭配不当，可改为are pointing) in the(去掉) opposite directions. The road, which is symbolic（the symbol，symbolic是形容词） of our different chosen （choice）（此句中出现的road，symbol和choice以及相应的谓语动词最好使用复数形式）in all aspects around our lives, careers, education, investment andthe like. Simple as the cartoon is, the meaning behind it is as deep as ocean.

   （第一段点评：文章开篇引用一个谚语引出主题，并用疑问句引人思考，这一点非常好。接下来引出图画并进行描述，随后说明图画的象征，思路十分清晰。不足之处在于使用了“There has been a heated discussion about a picture in the newspaper”和“Simple as the cartoon is, the meaning behind it is as deep as ocean.”之类的模板语句，显得有点俗套。）

    The phenomenon illustrated inthis drawing is that the more possibility（possibilities，指“可选择的方法”时为可数名词）（加，）the more confusion（句意不完整，可改为the more possibilities there are ,the more confused we will be）. There is no doubt, if we want to go to （加the或者a）destination as soon as possible, we should first properly orientate ourselves. Correct option remains to be an integral part in succeed(success,succeed是动词). Whoever ignores this contributor will surely stray from success. For example, an increasing numberof university graduates,chasing for jobs without a clearly（clear，修饰名词用形容词） plan. No matter how much times（time，作“时间”讲不可数） and efforts（effort作“努力”时可以是不可数名词也可以是可数名词，但是前面用的是how much修饰，因此改为effort，否则在efforts前面加how many） they cost, they will hardly to（去掉，will后跟动词原形）find desired jobs because of lack of specific goal.

      (第二段点评：此段首句点出图画的内涵，接着具体阐述：首先说明自我定位的重要性，然后举例证明。整段内容很有条理，衔接也很自然。)

    In summary, of all the ingredients of success, to make choice correctly and timely seems to be the first within our control. As students faced with various possibility（用possibilities表意更准确） in modern society, we should always remind ourselves to follow the right direction. Only we are making efforts with the correct guidance（只有only位于句首，且强调方式状语、 条件状语、 地点状语、 时间状语等状语时，主句部分才进行倒装。因此，此句Only后应该加if,引导条件状语从句），can we hope to realize our dreams of success.

   （第三段点评：文章末尾首句总结全文，说明选择的重要性，然后推及自身，最后用一个倒装句结尾。但是，“Only…with the correct guidance”, guidance用在这里似乎与话题有一点儿背道相驰。作者忽视了图画的一个重要成分—— “Only you can choose your derection”,事实上，文章主体亦是如此，虽然很有内容，但是涉及到only you的部分却有点儿少。）

总体点评

  本文思路清晰、衔接自然、词汇丰富、句式多变，且主体部分采用举例证明的方式，具有说服力。

   

  需要注意的问题：

    1. 文章的内容本身很好，与话题也相关，但是没有严扣主题，切题不够密切。

    2. 文章有一些语法错误：①一个句子出现多个谓语动词；②词语的词性使用错误——文中出现多次，需引起注意；③will后跟成分错误；④only倒装句未掌握清楚。需巩固相关的语法知识点。

    3. 重视同一个单词既可作不可数名词、又可作可数名词的情况，区分其在不同情况下的不同含义与用法，如possibility、time和effort。

    4. 有的句子表意不够完整。

    5. 个别地方受到汉语影响，表达不够地道。

    6. 一些表达是很多人都在同时使用的模板句子。   

    相比较作者第二期的作文，内容部分没有语意重复，但是切题不够紧密。因此，在今后的写作中，一定要仔细观察图片，提取图片最明显的寓意，这样文章的内容才更能说明问题。此外，语法方面需查漏补缺；记单词的时候不仅要记单词的意思，更要弄清楚词语的词性；写句子的时候多加斟酌，使句子表意更加完整与精确；最好不要用模板句子，写出自己的特色。作者的基础不错，只要能针对自己存在的问题而努力，一定会写出很好的文章，加油！

参考分数（满分20分）：9      

                                                                  考研1号编辑部

                                                                  2013年10月29日      

夏伤lanx 发表于 2013-10-27 23:34
来晚了，打酱油来了，顶

亲，我们不仅会对提交作文的前三名进行修改，后面提交的也会随机修改哦，所以不要打酱油，来一打作文吧

govycm 发表于 2013-10-27 15:39
好火爆。支持一下

所以，你的作文呢[r:22]

考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-10-29 10:06
所以，你的作文呢

这次我就让给别的小伙伴吧。让他们也接受下修改作文。[t:1]。我就过来，给咱们活动，冲冲人气

arthashao 发表于 2013-10-26 20:03
Have you ever made choices in critical moments? Have you ever been anxious about which option in fro ...

写作原文

    Have you ever made choices in critical moments? Have you ever been anxious about which option in front of you is the best? If not, you must consider these two questions when you look at the picture above, in which there are two branches of the road that you have to choose, with a line going like this: only you can choose your direction.

  （第一段点评：文章开篇用一个疑问句引出主题——“选择”，接着追问，点明选择的本质以及选择之难的原因——“为了最好”，然后巧妙地联系图片并对图片进行描述。可谓环环相扣，层层递进。）

    The man who cannot make a correct choice but is very hard-working is pitiful, because these two traits will let him process too far on a wrong track. Just as an old saying goes: well begun is half one（done，细心）. You may get closer to the success only when you choose the way which is suitable for you. If Bill Gates didn’t choose to drop out from the college, there would not be Microsoft nowadays. If Yuminhong （Yu Minhong）gave up the third College Entrance Examination,we would never see the rise of the New Oriental today. As the anticipation of this state in the future, we should draw the blueprints of the path of life early and spare no efforts to realize our great goals.

  （第二段点评：文章主体阐述选择的重要性：先从反面着手，说明不能做出正确选择的后果；然后以一个谚语进行过渡和衔接，从正面描述，指出正确的选择可以引人成功，并列举两个众所周知的实例来论证。因此，“承载着未来的期望，选择对于我们的意义不言自喻。”这种从正反两面来论证的手法相比较而言更有说服力，且运用举例，形象生动。）

    Take me for example, the reason why I take part in the graduate school exams （the entrance exams for postgraduate schools 或the postgraduate entrance examination）（缺少谓语动词，加is）to obtain plenty of opportunities that can help me reach a higher level of the academic field. For other youngsters, you should make clear what you will do and get ready to deal with challenges.

    （第三段点评：文章紧接着第二段的末尾，以自己为例，说明年轻一代做出一种选择的原因，而后由己推人，呼吁其他青年清楚自己、做好选择。）

总体点评

    本文保持了作者一贯的风格，思路清晰，衔接（无论是顺接还是转折）自然恰当，内容充实且不呆板，语言表达流畅。作者的行文思路、谋篇方法以及写作手法都已经达到了较为成熟的程度，仅需注意细节方面，并注意细心。今后需要做的，就是熟悉自己没有涉猎到的话题，努力达到“兵来将挡水来土掩”的地步，无论什么都心中有数，才能发挥正常，写出好的文章。加油，很看好你！

参考分数（满分20分）：15                                                                             

                                                                                                                                              考研1号编辑部

                                                                                                                                            2013年10月29日

考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-10-29 11:46
写作原文    Have you ever made choices in critical moments? Have you ever been anxious ...

一如既往的15分！真厉害

govycm 发表于 2013-10-29 10:14
这次我就让给别的小伙伴吧。让他们也接受下修改作文。。我就过来，给咱们活动，冲冲人气

   好的[a:38]你也可以看看大家的作文构思、内容、表达和衔接等都是如何展开的，好的方面相互借鉴，存在问题的地方看看自己也是不是如此，这对于自己的写作也有帮助哦