【考研1号】“作文修改”活动—【第五期2009年真题“网络的近与远”+“手机依赖症”】

考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-11-11 17:19
写作原文    As is subtly revealed in the drawing, a crowd of people are chatting on li ...

十分感谢老师！请问老师我的那个手写的字体合适么？自己感觉好像连笔多显得有点乱，是不是应该少一些连笔，清晰易辨比较好？

The picture above presents us with a getting-together where people at seat are so absorbed in the amusing world of cellphones and playing separately rather than communicating with friends who are sitting right at the other side of the table.


It’s amazing that cellphones which are designed to be so functional that combined MP3 , television , computer, ,game box, phone(original one) and even a imagined friend together can still be able to keep its figure. Tell me, what else do we need except from a smart phone after the children of Albert (a robot designed for chatting) were born inside? It’s true that cellphones broad our horizons. We have more acquaintance in the address list than in minds, among whom there fewer can be named FRIENDS. We play more games witch strengthen fingers instead of muscles.


It’s also true that we are losing the abilities of comminuting face to face and reading facial expressions. May be we are adjusting to the pattern of artificial intelligence and would evolve and end up being something robotic. Well, Before that, let’s value the sensation of being human and choose someone we can contact with our eyes next time there are feelings to be shared.  


可耻的独句成段了。。可耻的查字典了    可耻的又胡扯八卦了。。。。



就当提供给大家做长难句分析了。。。

什么时候结束呀，好像加入

齐叶羽 发表于 2013-11-12 11:12
什么时候结束呀，好像加入

本周五上午结束，现在赶紧参加还来得及。

悠弥北北 发表于 2013-11-8 19:25
呃···新的一期，这次掐时间写了···还是用了好多模板句···哎···先交上来，老师没批改之前我再自 ...

写作原文

    A fashionable saying has it that the telephone（话题及图述提供的讨论对象是手机，最好用cellphone或mobile phone,下同） provides two-edged sword for users——the trouble is (加that，表语从句的引导词that一般不可省略) no one knows when it causes hurts（不可数名词，改为hurt）. As we can see（文章第一段没有提到图画，此处最好加上from the picture）, at the dinner table sit seven young people who are communicating with each other from（用through较好） the APP （用复数APPs比较精准） of telephone instead of from （in）reality. For my part, the time when the telephone hurts us is not in the horizon.

    (第一段点评：作者先说明手机有利有弊，且突出它的弊端，然后用As we can see…巧妙地引出图画，并对其进行描述，同时暗示图述现象属于手机的弊端。前后呼应，逻辑清晰。不足之处在于描述不是很精准，图示几人并不都是通过手机在与人交流，也有人在刷微博、玩游戏等。)

    The thought-provoking drawing ironizes agroup of people in contemporary society who can not live without telephones.This trend, which we believe is still in it（its） infancy, effectly（此处想表达什么意思？无此单词）began with the emergency （emergence，emergency是“紧急情况”等意思）with （of）APP（最好用复数APPs） of smart phone and will no doubt go further. And the following one factor lead (leads,注意主谓保持一致) to this phenomenon,people in modern society long for express（for是介词，后面跟名词或动名词，因此把express改为expressing, 或把for改为动词不定式符号to） themselves directly, but there are too many limitation（limitations） in reality. The APP (APPs,注意主谓一致) of telephone offer an appropriate area in which they can express（加themselves或their feelings）with freedom.

    （第二段点评：本段先说明现象，然后揭示现象产生的原因。需要注意的是：首先，This trend…began with the emergence of APPs of smart phone本身即为此现象原因之一，可以扩充说明这些软件给人们生活提供何种便利以致于人们离不开承载这些软件的手机——本段分析了两方面的原因，而作者只把后者视为唯一原因，逻辑不是很清楚；其次，后面所述的原因略显单薄，there are too many limitations in reality，可以适当列举几个limitation，重点在于要突出点明这些limitation导致人们在现实生活中交际困难，所以很多人才会通过手机在虚拟世界与人交流。总之，本段逻辑不是很严谨，且论述原因不够透彻。）

    To be sure, telephone provides a variety of convenience to all aspects around our lives, but it is not necessary for us to use it momentby moment. In my opinion, I have no idea that（去掉，后面的whether即为宾语从句的引导词） whether the telephone is a great channel to bring people together or even（or even表递增，而good相对于great而言并没有递增关系，注意逻辑） a good one. Obviously, the overly dependent（此处为句子的主语，而形容词不能作主语，应为名词且修饰名词多用形容词，改为over dependence） on telephone brought（应使用相应的现在时态，此处用现在完成时较合适，改为has brought） a crisis in traditional interpersonal relationship. I cherish a believe （belief，believe是动词）that telephone themselves are(不仅主谓要保持一致，名词和代词也要保持数的一致，改为cellphones/mobile phones…） not good or bed (bad) and we can benefit a lot from using it as long as we take a good control over them.

    （第三段点评：本段作者意图提倡大家适度使用手机，不过，由于作者在表达方面存在一丝问题，导致其推导论证自己观点的过程思维逻辑不够清楚明晰。其实，作者想要表达“手机着实能给我们带来一定好处”——“但是过度沉溺也会带来不利”——“所以我们要适度使用手机”，在今后的表述中应注意所述与自己的思维逻辑相契合。）

总体点评

    作者的行文思路以及谋篇能力没有可以值得挑剔的地方，需注意以下几个方面：

    1. 文章有一些语法错误：表语从句引导词that遗漏，名词的可数与不可数混淆，介词使用不精准，代词和物主代词使用有误，主谓不一致，介词后跟成分不清，可数名词的单复数形式错误，宾语从句引导词重复，词语词性使用错误，名词和代词在数方面未保持一致。建议作者全面复习巩固自己的语法基础。

    2. 描述图画部分应该更加精准。

    3. 文章的一些表达不能体现出内容之间的逻辑关系，作者需锻炼自己的逻辑思维能力，并学习掌握一些常用的衔接技巧。

    4. 注意形近词和音近词的辨析，如emergency和emergence。

    5. 文章有个别单词拼写错误，应该更加细心。

   

     因此，建议作者首先要加强自己的语法能力，同时要特别细心，并逐步提升自己的语言组织能力和思维逻辑能力。只要有付出就一定会有收获，加油，祝你考研成功！

参考分数（满分20分）：9

                                                                                                                                           考研1号编辑部

                                                                                                                                         2013年 11月12日

YummyLeo 发表于 2013-11-11 18:43
十分感谢老师！请问老师我的那个手写的字体合适么？自己感觉好像连笔多显得有点乱，是不是应该少一些连笔 ...

   亲，考研英语作文是应试作文，因此不要有太多连笔或者写一些比较“艺术”的字体，最好保证自己的字迹清晰、直观且整洁，这样给阅卷老师的第一印象比较好，会增加自己的印象分哦

考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-11-12 17:06
亲，考研英语作文是应试作文，因此不要有太多连笔或者写一些比较“艺术”的字体，最好保证自己的字迹清 ...

恩恩 我自己写完也觉得不够清晰 以后改过来 谢谢~

考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-11-12 16:53
写作原文    A fashionable saying has it that the telephone（话题及图述提供的讨论对象是 ...

多谢老师啦~我再自己好好修改下~!

    不管老师看到或看不到，我都要写！
    The given picture shows us a strange and complicated construction:it seems like an enormous spider web but filling with all teenagers who are using their computers to connects with each other.Even they are so closed,they still don't wants to chat with their friends face to face,how absurd it is!
    This carton may vivdly reveal a serious social phenomenon in young people's daily life--excessively depends on the cyber world and can not gets themselves back to the reality.With all about this,two major consequences will happens :weaken people's physical immunity is the first;and human willl becomes more embrassed when they are talking with people,or getting timorous when they are dealing with a completely stranger.
    Everything has advantages and drawbacks,so does internrt.when the networks bring us so much convenience,it also caused a plenty of physcial and psychological damage to our lives.  Walking away gradually from the cyber world is a matter of great urgency for us right now.we should find a balance between this two sides,do some sports and traveling in our daily life to alleviating this jumpy appearance!

arthashao 发表于 2013-11-8 19:28
What will you do to kill boring time after having a meal with friends in the restaurant? I guess the ...

写作原文

    What will you do to kill boring time after having a meal with friends in the restaurant? I guess the major of （major作形容词时有“主要的”的意思，作名词时意为“少校；专业课”，改为the majority of）youngsters may choose to play their mobile phones as the picture above depicts. Actually, the mobile phone has become such an indispensable part of our life that we can find almost everyone owns and uses them (前面mobile phone为单数，而后面指代它的代词却变成了复数them，代词指代不一致。此处改为owns one and uses it较好) in any place.

    （第一段点评：文章首段延续了作者第三期活动习作的风格，同样先使用一个疑问句引发读者对图示行为的关注，然后具体阐述现象。语流顺畅，衔接自然。）

    We should consider such a question: whether we abandon (此处用现在完成时较好，改为have abandoned) ourselves to the cyberspace too much while the technology of mobile communication brings us convenience? The days that we have to find public phone when wanting to convey information have gone forever due to the birth of mobile phones. But with the distance in the space shortened, spirits of people have also been separated by these devices. We will face the danger that the abilities of speaking, listening and writing are fading, which may put the civilization of human in a dangerous position.

    （第二段点评：作者在本段用辩证的眼光看待手机对人们生活带来的影响，并侧重探讨其负面影响。不过，作者最后指出“We will face the danger that the abilities of speaking, listening and writing are fading”，与此对应，前面“The days that we have to find public phone when wanting to convey information have gone forever due to the birth of mobilephones”这一部分从逻辑而言，应该为诸如“The days that we used to talk with friends…have gone forever”或者“The days that we used to write to our friends…have gone forever”之类的表述。）

    Fortunately, we still have time to curb and harness this situation. From what has been discussed, I hope the youth can get rid of the illness of the dependence of mobile phone. You should communicate with others by different ways and make efforts to open your mind.

    （第三段点评：由于前面讨论了手机给我们带来一定的负面影响，因此作者在最后一段呼吁大家不要过分依赖手机。语意连贯，逻辑合理。）

总体点评

    作者在这一期的写作中开篇仍然切入巧妙，行文风格依旧——语意流畅且衔接自然。不过，在这篇文章中，主体部分内容不是十分严谨，需引起注意。此外，文章存在少许语法错误，尤其应注意代词与其指代的名词之间要保持数的一致。作者的语法基础不错，这几期活动出现的错误都是细节方面的错误，一定要清楚自己是由于不够细心还是知识点疏漏所致，从而有针对地尽力消除。加油，祝你考研成功！

参考分数（满分20分）：14

                                                                                                                                                            考研1号编辑部

                                                                                                                                                         2013年 11月13日