【考研1号】“作文修改”活动—【第五期2009年真题“网络的近与远”+“手机依赖症”】

Drift547 发表于 2013-11-8 17:45
新的一期，我还是要好好写。我是在这期话题发出来之前就把这个真题作文写好了，看到后就用手机抢了楼，晚上 ...

    您好，由于我们考研1号编辑部最近有很多事情要处理，更重要的是出于“自己着手方能有更大进步”的考虑，我们决定先用划线的方式标注出您文章中出现的例如语法等低级错误。您需要做的是，通过查阅相关语法书籍或者与同学讨论等方式，先自行修改文章中出现的问题。然后，我们再进行修改和批注。通过这种“我们点拨，您来主导”的修改和学习过程，您的理解和记忆会更加深刻。我们的目的是“减少写作中出现的问题和错误，提高写作能力”，相信只要有付出就有收获，加油，祝您考研成功！

    What a worrying scene it is! In the drawing, everyone lives in his own world with a computer. The cyberspace which like a net is separated into pieces and the distance is both far and near in the virtual world, just as the caption in the drawing reads.

   The drawing reflects an undeniable and undesirable phenomenon in today’s society:the ignorance of social relationship with the development of Internet.This is a dangerous and detrimental trend for both the family and   society.On the one hand, someone is too addicted in the cyberspace to have enough time to communicate with his family members. Such behaviors may destroy the happiness of   family. On the other hand, the ratio of crime may increase because of the widespread offalse information online. It is really harmful to the harmony of our society.

    In a word, effective measures must be taken to avoid this trend. First of all, a positive mental guidance must be popularized among people to enhance the importance of communicating face-to-face. Secondly, an educational campaign must be launched to help people to mold more positive views of social relationship and a correct way to use Internet. Only in these ways can we live in a healthyworld.

                                                                                                                                          考研1号编辑部

                                                                                                                                       2013年 11月14日

子书十二 发表于 2013-11-8 21:16
选的题一
     This cartoon witnesses an interesting scene. There are eight people; I guess maybe th ...

    您好，由于我们考研1号编辑部最近有很多事情要处理，更重要的是出于“自己着手方能有更大进步”的考虑，我们决定先用划线的方式标注出您文章中出现的例如语法等低级错误。您需要做的是，通过查阅相关语法书籍或者与同学讨论等方式，先自行修改文章中出现的问题。然后，我们再进行修改和批注。通过这种“我们点拨，您来主导”的修改和学习过程，您的理解和记忆会更加深刻。我们的目的是“减少写作中出现的问题和错误，提高写作能力”，相信只要有付出就有收获，加油，祝您考研成功！

    This cartoon witnesses an interesting scene. There are eight people，I guess maybe they are friends having dinner to tell the recent goings. In fact, they are having their cell phones in hands to surfing online via QQ and Weibo or even playing Fruit Ninja while they are close enough to talk to each other face to face at the same table. It is funny and ironic that they perform various and lovely looks but bother to give a glimpse to others.

    Several reasons can be interpreted for this phenomenon. And I would like to put the two follows as the main causes. Firstly, people are losing courage to convey their feelings and emotions in person. Looking and examining appearances of each other eye by eye and absorbing information by the gestures are complicated and difficult subjects. Major of people are too busy and tired to play this lively role, especially after all day long hard work. Moreover, the cell phone and software are getting more intelligent each day. The famous Apple Inc. evencreates a new era of both software and    real world. These genius inventions make life easier for our earthlings, specific the young working-men. They can keep contacts and no need to fear being strangers to others. Nevertheless, I am afraid that they are not close friends either.

    I insist that personal communication is substantial for humanbeings. Everything has two sides. Of course, cell phone does bring conveniences into our life; in the other side, it also takes our talking skills away. Apparently, we have no rights to ban the usage of phone. Yet, what we can do is to remind people to aware that addicting into phone applications is no good for their hearth in both physically and psychologically.

                                                                                                                                                   考研1号编辑部

                                                                                                                                                 2013年 11月14日

    Indicted above is a cartoon that vividly portrays a dining-table, at which sit  eight people in one corporation, being indulged in the functions of their cellphones, among which are QQ, micro-blog, fruit ninja and its like.There has been a heated discussion about the picture in the newspaper recently.
   These days, it is not uncommon that an increasing number of people are getting the mobile phone addiction, contrary to a common belief, the phenomenon would be a social issue rather than a reflection of technological development. A good exemplification coming to my mind is the traffic accident, the reason of which is  largely by the overuse of handset. What's more, it is the cell phone that estrange the relationship between friends and families. Were there no cellphone, people would communicate with each other face to face. However, modern people are turning a blind eye to the side effects of it now.
   This phenomenon is not isolated, under no circumstances should we let the trend grow as it does. That is to say, self-reminding discipline ought to be laid down to cultivate good habits concerning  the right use of phone. In addition, moderate outlook of using the cellphone should be delivered to guide us both physically and mentally. Only in this way can the mobile phone benefit our lives to the maximization.
   

虽然赶脚肯定改不到我的了，还是写了一篇~~~[t:13]
谢谢老师辛勤的给大家改作文哈~
Is there anything in the picture that makes you feel familiar? A group of people sitting around the table, chatting online, reading micro blogs, or simply playing mobile games, ignore their friends who are sitting beside them. In our society, this odd phenomenon seems to be even more pronounced.

Apparently, we can draw from the cartoon that mobile internet is becoming increasingly prevalent nowadays. On the one hand, most of us will readily embrace the development of communication technology, as it does provide us with convenience and joyful. But on the other hand, a majority of us have ignored the side effects that the mobile phone brings to us. Surely it should be obvious to us all that only through immediate, face to face contact can we build and bond intimate relationships with our friends and that few things are more likely to keep us from such relationships than simply chatting online through mobiles.

In my view, technology should sever as an assistant to help us to live a brighter life, rather than an obstacle to keep us from each other.As youngsters who are more vulnerable to the harm caused by mobiles, we should spend more time communicate or get along with our friends face to face, instead of merely chatting online. Only through this way can we live a much more colorful life.

        选题：2009年考题       Depicted in the picture are dozens of individuals, communicating with each other through computer and Internet, with their physical distance no more than several meters. What separate them from outside world, actually, is a net more of an intangible nature than a substantial one.
       No more pictures can better illustrate the complex influence exerted by computer technology. The caption, “near and far”, so profound in its simplicity, opened a distinctive way of perceiving and understanding networks. What the author intends to say is that, in our daily communication, Internet has functioned both as a promoter and an obstructer. For one thing, so much convenient approaches to people in all walks of life being available, spatial distance among people are conditionally shortened. Owing to the wide-spread technical innovation, now the world is tangible as a “Global Village”. For another, accompanying with these benefits are some byproducts. People, especially youngsters, would rather root in their own chambers than hang out chatting face to face. In this way, much of the phenomenon, looks far less like a bridge in spatial gap, but a good deal more like a greater mental indifference in interpersonal relationship.
       According to my humble perspective, things like computers are double-edged. What lie in the core is just how we judge it. For my part, I insist moderate outlook of Internet be delivered, and more rational manners be ensured while using new-born electronic products. Were everybody make use of Internet to the uttermost, surely it would be an unparalleled tool facilitating our lives.

OTTTTTL 发表于 2013-11-9 14:28
选题：2009大作文
As is vividly depicted in the cartoon, a lot of people are divided into many parts ...

写作原文

    As is vividly depicted in the cartoon, a lot of people are divided into many parts by the spider web.Everyone has his own space which has nothing but a desk with a computer on it.With the help of the network, they can shop online, play online game and communicate with others though they can’t see each other. The caption below reads that the distance of the internet（that引导read的宾语从句，后面应该为一个句子，而此处是一个短语,可改为the Internet brings people far away together while it drifts people nearby apart at the same time）.

    （第一段点评：文章首段描述图画，不仅包含图画所有信息要点，且作者意图点明图画的标题。不过，让人感到遗憾的是作者并没有深刻理解标题的含义，且出现了语法错误。）

    The purpose of the drawing is to enlighten us that more attention should be paid to the double effects of the internet (Internet）. Obviously, the spider web symbolizes the network, which plays an increasing（increasing不是修饰role而是修饰important，修饰形容词用副词，改为increasingly）important role in all walks of life. With the development of technology, we can enjoy a better life and chat with friends more conveniently. On the contrary, if we are indulged in virtual life, we will not adjust to reality. We may be estranged with our friends because we will never play together face to face.

    （第二段点评：本段先说明图画的寓意，然后具体阐述网络的利与弊，重点在于警示人们切勿过度沉溺在网络之中。前后语意关系清晰，衔接顺畅，且以辩证的视角切入使得观点鲜明客观。）

    Hence, we must use internet (the Internet) reasonably in order to avoid network addition（addiction）. Firstly, we can set a regular time to surf the web. Secondly, we should exercise self-control to resist temptation. Moreover, be ready at all times to observe the beauty of real life. If only （if only为“但愿……；要是……就好了”之意，用在此处不合适，应改为Only if —“ 只有……才”）we take actions mentioned above, the internet will bring（在正式书面英语中，only if及其从句可置于句首，后面要部分倒装，改为will the Internet bring）a variety of conveniences（convenience作可数名词时，意为“便利的事物（设施、用具等）”，表示“方便、便利”之意时不可数，因此改为convenience） to our life and make us closer to each other.

    （第三段点评：文章最后一段列举建议措施，不同于套用一些空洞的口号，作者就如何合理适当应用网络提出了自己的想法，不仅具体同时也很实际。）

总体点评

    文章行文思路清晰，前后语意逻辑关系清楚，且句子与段落之间都有适度的衔接，总体而言是一篇写得不错的考研英语作文。作者需注意以下几点：

    1. 或是由于表达的原因，文章第一段最后一句体现出作者对图画的标题理解不是很透彻。网络的“近”与“远”指的是：网络缩短人们之间的空间距离，同时使得人们之间的关系疏远；而不是the distance of the Internet——网络自身的距离。

    2. 文章有些许语法错误：that的用法，“多个形容词修饰同一名词”与“副词修饰形容词，而后形容词修饰名词”区别不清，if only和only if混淆。

    3. 文章有单词拼写错误，要细心。

    4. 注意同一名词既可作可数名词又可为不可数名词的情况，需清楚可数与不可数之间语意的细微差别。

    总之，作者的写作水平较好，且语法基础不错，需注意语法知识点的查漏补缺，同时要更加细心。有付出就有收获，加油，祝你考研成功！

参考分数（满分20分）：13

                                                                                                                                                考研1号编辑部

                                                                                                                                              2013年 11月15日

darkblue46 发表于 2013-11-11 22:31
The picture above presents us with a getting-together where people at seat are so absorbed in the am ...

    您好，由于我们考研1号编辑部最近有很多事情要处理，更重要的是出于“自己着手方能有更大进步”的考虑，我们决定先用划线的方式标注出您文章中出现的例如语法等低级错误。您需要做的是，通过查阅相关语法书籍或者与同学讨论等方式，先自行修改文章中出现的问题。然后，我们再进行修改和批注。通过这种“我们点拨，您来主导”的修改和学习过程，您的理解和记忆会更加深刻。我们的目的是“减少写作中出现的问题和错误，提高写作能力”，相信只要有付出就有收获，加油，祝您考研成功！

    The picture above presents us with agetting-together where people at seat are so absorbed in the amusing world of cellphones and playing separately rather than communicating with friends who are sitting right at theother side of the table. It’s amazing that cellphones which are designed to be so functional that combined MP3 , television ,computer, ,game box, phone(original one) and even a imagined friend together can still be able to keep its figure. Tell me, what else do we need except from a smartphone after the children of Albert (a robot designed for chatting) were born inside? It’s true that cellphones broad our horizons. We have more acquaintance in the address list than in minds, among whom there fewer can be named FRIENDS. We play more games witch strengthen fingers instead of muscles.

     It’s also true that we are losing the abilities of comminuting face to face and reading facial expressions. May be we are adjusting to the pattern of artificial intelligence and would evolve and end up being something robotic. Well, Before that, let’s value the sensation of being human and choose someone we can contact with our eyes next time there are feelings to be shared.                                                                                    

                                                                                                                                                  考研1号编辑部

                                                                                                                                                 2013年11月15日

投河自尽的虾 发表于 2013-11-13 16:35
不管老师看到或看不到，我都要写！
    The given picture shows us a strange and complicated ...

    您好，由于我们考研1号编辑部最近有很多事情要处理，更重要的是出于“自己着手方能有更大进步”的考虑，我们决定先用划线的方式标注出您文章中出现的例如语法等低级错误。您需要做的是，通过查阅相关语法书籍或者与同学讨论等方式，先自行修改文章中出现的问题。然后，我们再进行修改和批注。通过这种“我们点拨，您来主导”的修改和学习过程，您的理解和记忆会更加深刻。我们的目的是“减少写作中出现的问题和错误，提高写作能力”，相信只要有付出就有收获，加油，祝您考研成功！（注：您的文章有语法、拼写、标点、大小写等错误。）

    The given picture shows us a strange and complicated construction:it seems like an enormous spider web but filling with all teenagers who are using their computers to connects with each other.Even they are so closed,they still don't wants to chat with their friends face to face,how absurd it is!

   This carton may vivdly reveal a serious social phenomenon in young people's daily life——excessively depends on the cyber world and can not gets themselves back to the reality. With all about this, two major consequences will happens :weaken people's physical immunity is the first; and human willl becomes more embrassed when they are talking with people,or getting timorous when they are dealing with a completely stranger.

    Everything has     advantages and drawbacks,so does internrt.when the networks bring us so much convenience,it also caused a plenty of physcial and psychological damage to our lives.  Walking away gradually from the cyber world is a matter of great urgency for us right now.we should find a balance between this two sides,do some sports and traveling in our daily life to alleviating this jumpy appearance!                                                                                

                                                                                                                                                  考研1号编辑部

                                                                                                                                                2013年 11月15日

考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-11-15 10:18
您好，由于我们考研1号编辑部最近有很多事情要处理，更重要的是出于“自己着手方能有更大进步”的考虑 ...

感谢老师纠正了这么多错误，我是学艺术的，语法什么的学的时候都没有听懂，所以差了点~ 下边的我在百度搜了一些语法，自己改的，也不知道对不对，还是感谢老师再次更正下，要是还是错了很多还是以上次的形式标一下，谢谢啦
    The given picture shows us a strange and complicated construction:It seems like an enormous spider web fill with all teenagers who are using their computers to connect with each other.Although they are so close,they still don't want to chat with their friends face to face.
    This carton may vividly reveal a serious social phenomenon in young people's daily life—depending on the cyber world excessively and can not get themselves back to the reality.Two major consequences will happens if it continues :weakening people's physical immunity is the first,and human would become more embarrassed when they are talking with people,or timorous when they are dealing with a complete stranger.
    Everything has advantages and drawbacks,so does internet.When the network brings us so much convenience,it also cause a plenty of physcial and psychological damages to our lives.  Walking away graduallyfrom the cyber world is a matter of great urgency for us right now.We should find a balance between this two sides,do some sports and travel in our daily life to alleviate this jumpy appearance.   

考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-11-15 09:55
您好，由于我们考研1号编辑部最近有很多事情要处理，更重要的是出于“自己着手方能有更大进步”的考虑 ...

多谢老师。。。果然好多拼写和单复数的错误。。。。。瞬间弱爆了。。
已经改正。也改了一些别的单复数和句子使用。。
请老师过目~工作不要太辛苦


The picture above presents us with a getting-together where people at seats are so absorbed in the amusing world of cellphones and playing separately rather than communicating with friends who are sitting right at the other side of the table.

It’s amazing that cellphones which are designed to be so functional that combined MP3, television, computer, game box, phone (original ones) and even an imagined friend together can still be able to keep their figures. Tell me, what else do we need except from a smartphone after the children of Albert (a robot designed for chatting use) were born inside? It’s true that cellphones broaden our horizons. We have more acquaintances in the address list than in minds, among whom fewer can be named FRIENDS. We play more games which strengthen fingers instead of muscles.

It’s also true that we are losing the abilities of comminuting face to face and reading facial expressions. May be we are adjusting to the thinking pattern of artificial intelligence and will evolve and end up being something robotic. Well, before that, let’s value the sensation of being human and choose someone we can contact with our eyes next time there are feelings to be shared.