【考研1号】“2014作文修改”——【第一期英语一“学位与能力”】

    The picture above shows an irony scene that the well-known talented Mr.Zhuge, who was specialized in almost every aspect from the universe to earth, went for a job at the job hunting market, only to find he was rejected directly. With the words ”Sorry, you neither have a diploma nor understand English”, the hunter seems serious, showing a “No” gesture to the surprised elite in front of him.
    What the scene reflects is obvious. It’s the certification that counts for the job hunters nowadays, not the ability and potential. This trend will bring loses to both employees and employers who are excellent without diplomas, just like Mr.Zhuge’s case.
    So far as I’m concerned, the personal ability should be regard as essential as the certification. Just care about the diploma won’t make sense. I would test one’s practical ability and estimate his potential while considering the schooling grades, were I the hunter. I truly demand all hunters take my advise. Only connect real ability with the diploma when making a decision about hiring, will the hunter receive more promising “Mr.Zhuge”.

真的自从六级考完似乎再也没有写过一篇…这都三四年了吧…T.T

写到后面已经不知道自己到底想说啥了给跪了_(:з」∠)_辛苦老师纠错QAQ我的作文一定看得很累（因为错太多。。。。。

      In this pecture, our very excellent and smart strategist who was the nation of SHU ,in the literature history of China.He came to the work market one
day, we may think he maybe wants get a job.a manager of a company told him,”I’m so sorry,MR ZhuGe.you have no diploma and you also don’t
understand English.”

      so,we all know MR ZhuGe must don’t get this job.In our society,diploma and English is very important,perhaps English is more important than diploma.But,in fact,they are whether the most important.Everyone who read the story by The Romance Of The Three Kingdoms,they all know how about the ability of MR ZhuGe.Like him,can’t get a job actually.Is it the lose with firm or with the society?Most of people get a job who used a degree,It’s maybe a right way,because degree can help they choose and find a person of ability as soon as possible.But,it’s not all.

      Take man as the foundation,no English,no degree,can’t explain how the ability of a man.Bill Gates have no degree too.this was not hinder him become very excellent.however,people mastered a foreign language no doubt to be helpful to promote to a higher office in now world.  

怎么看图？？？

    what will happen when Mr.zhuge,who is a superior intellect,to hunt job in this time?Are many company competing to employ him?No,no.Mr.zhuge  maybe can't find a ideal job because he hasnit diploma and can't speak English.
    Rescently,as show as the picture,diploma has more important staute when find job,in the meantime,English is a crutial skill due to globalization.Diploma and English are first step to find a good job.This pattern make somebody who has high work ability can't find job,and work for fabricate diploma will booming.
    It is not to say that this way is wrong.In deed diploma can became a index to measure ability,but it isn't absolute.Many people has high ability who has't diploma due to poverty or disease.So,campany that want to rescuit a real capable person should exploit a assessment technology suit position instead of campare diploma.
    So,the crutial question is coming:where is best place for learn how to use digger?!

最后一句不算总字数........
希望老师能帮助修改一下
在此先谢过了....

How could we evaluate standards in recruitment？

The drawing displays a very thought-provoking scene that if we put Mr.Zhuge,who well known as a wise man,before a employer nowadays to be examined,he would be rejected sarcastically，for the reason that he has neither diploma nor the mastery of English.

It reflects the actual trend in recruitment that most employer prefer some recognized standards such as diploma and capacity of English to screen employees. If a employee can not reach those standards,he could lose most job opportunities.

Why recognized standards are preferred？Because it costs quite a lot of time to test employees one by one，so quantitative standards which may reflect quality of employees play a role in picking out approriate ones in numerous resume more efficiently.By contrast,employers would miss some talented person with specialty.

To improve the situation,employers could set standards depend on actual demand and design interviews more effetively,and employees could take efforts to get achievements which can prove themselves and reach the standard avoiding the risk of erroneous judgement.


老师你看我有题目~我有分段~我写得好认真~
看到我看到我~

如果有幸能被批改就太高兴啦~

    As is shown in the picture, Zhuge Liang, an ancient Chinese who is famous for his wise is looking for a job. But the employer refuses him because not only doesn't he have any diploma, but also he can't speak English. How funny the picture draw for.

    In my opinion, there are too much unreasonable requirement of recruitment. First of all, employers favor people who good at English, who graduated famous school, who perfect for anything more than the job need. In addition, people looking for a job may be an average person who suitable for the job, but not so good at another thing. Last but not least, nowadays, this phenomenon causes many university graduates in China can not find a job to support their family, while a lot of position in the company are empty.

    As far as I am concerned, it is important to build up a better platform for hiring. On the one hand, employers should consider the job-hunters' capacity that the job real need, instead of the false one. On the other hand, job-hunters must improve their ability to adjust to the requirement of developing society. Only when we have done these, could we solve the issue as well as overcome the difficulty.


老师您好！感谢您百忙之中为我们批改作文。如果有空的话，麻烦帮我看一下这篇作文。我自己改过几次，有几个句子捋不清楚，感觉表达不太地道。希望能够得到老师的指点。

    As is shown above，in the job market stand an individual named ZhuGeliang, who was renowned for the extraordinary military background, just finding his job for living. However, the HR assistant refused him because he did not have any diploma and only speak Chinese more than other languages. Simple as the picture is, it does convey a profound implication.
    The picture tells us that the employers take a majority focus on job hunter's educational background and improve the recruit standard. So some person can not find an suitable job . No rose without a thorn. This phenomenon leads to an far-reaching influence in china education. A rising number of youth spend a great deal of their time on school work , in order to attend university. This really improve Chinese educational level. But how things going on after we get to college? Some of us abandon learning and weary of school life . What they really need is get an university degree more than other crucial things. Thus ,even they graduate from university and get the high degree ,they can not hunt a fine job immediately . There exists an conflict between knowledge and experience, which lead to the problem of employment.
    Obviously ,to address this problem, individuals ,organizations and government own to work together. For job seeker, one should not only achieve a more broadened horizon and encourage themselves to learn more, but also contribute themselves to social practice. And organizations, just like universities , colleges or schools, should focus on both theory and practice. As Frucklin Roosevelt says, ”We can not always build the future for our youth ,but we can build our youth for the future.” In no country, more than China, it has been said that is this phenomenon more obvious. We must maintain a sustained, healthy , rapid and coordinated economic development ant therefore people can get more opportunity to find an appropriate job.

catallena 发表于 14-10-10 13:06
As the picture above shows,Mr.Zhuge,who has no certificates and has no knowledge of  English ,is dir ...

孩子，你比我写的好，但是不得不说单词拼写错误啊！而且词组使用不当，employee是被雇佣者，employer才是boss啊！现在，可以说at present或者nowadays。很抱歉，我不知道还有in present这种说法。被拒绝啊，应该是was吧？手机党，没有看完，可能我说的也是错的，不用介意哈，个人意见！很不错，加油！

爱丽丝菇凉 发表于 14-10-12 19:22
As is shown above，in the job market stand an individual named ZhuGeliang, who was renowned for  ...

china education是中国式英语吗？我觉得应该用Chinese。写的好好，不像我。。

catallena 发表于 14-10-10 13:06
As the picture above shows,Mr.Zhuge,who has no certificates and has no knowledge of  English ,is dir ...

写作原文
        As the picture above shows, Mr. Zhuge, who has no certificates and has（此处的has可以删除，即用and连接并列宾语，以避免赘余） no knowledge of  English, is directly refused by the（改为an，首次出现） employee（改为employer，employee是“雇员”的意思） in a job hunting, though he is knowledgeable and talented.
        （第一段点评：本段从诸葛先生的角度着手，用被动语态来展示图画中的行为，其中插入一个非限定性定语从句who…，不仅提升了句式的层次，同时巧妙地说明诸葛先生被拒绝的原因，这一点很好。同时，本段描述最大的亮点在于点明了诸葛先生自身的能力（though he is knowledgeable and talented），呼应了图画想表达的主题“学位与能力”。不足之处在于certificates这一词的使用不够精准，文凭应为diploma。）

    The picture veiledly（用implicitly表达“含蓄地”之意）conveys what does the job hunting essential factors（essential factors of job hunting） are certificates and English. Nowdays（Nowadays）, a certificate（此处缺少动词，like作“像”之意时为介词，加is）just like a key to employment, moreover, English is an international language. Therefore, they are becoming more ang（and）more important in（at）present, which are the bedrock skill（首先，此处不表示限定；其次，定语使用不恰当；最后，表语skill应使用复数。改为basic skills）. However, that（用it作形式主语） is a question that certificate（改为复数）and English are（建议使用现在完成时have become表示变化）really appopriate principles（appropriate拼写错误，且为中式表达，建议改为essential或 crucial） of （改为in）employment. For example, a good farmer should not（should侧重于“应该”，用needn’t表示“不需要”） be good at English（此句受汉语影响严重，建议改为English is not necessary for one to be a good farmer）. In any case, not all the people must receive (reach to) this level and be suitable for them.
        （第二段点评：作者本段先点明图片寓意，然后进行分析，这一点非常符合考研英语写作模式。但是，图片揭示的是当代社会很多人把学位与能力划等号这一现象，并不是表面的“文凭与英语是求职中的必备要素”，这一点需注意。此外，本段将近一半的篇幅都用来描述为什么文凭和英语在求职中如此受重视，这一点稍有些跑偏的感觉；后面采用举例的形式来支撑自己的论点，这一点很好，但可惜的是文章的论点本身就不明确。总之，本段本应用来论述学历不等于能力，却受图中的文凭和英语的影响，给人造成一种作者在分析“现在的招聘条件过于苛刻”这一现象，有所偏差。）

    In my opinion, sometimes employee can change a little for employers according to their talent（employer和employee意思混淆，且整个句子有明显的汉语思维痕迹，作者应该是想表达“放松要求”，因此可以用employers should relax some requirements…来表达）. Someone says, everyone is special and has a talent somewhere（for something）. To some extent, the principle is usually not just one（principle意义不明确，且表达不地道。建议用一个there be句型来表述，there are many significant elements of being a good employee, and diploma is not the only one）. What’s more, in the long run , the society needs multifunction people （various kinds of talents）to adapt to the（建议加rapid）development.
        （第三段点评：最后一段给出作者的建议和总结，这一点没有问题。但是跟上一段一样，作者整段都游走在主题边缘，没有切中要害。此外，尽管作者运用了一些衔接词语，但是，或许由于语言表达问题，句子之间的语意衔接不是很紧密，有逻辑跳跃的感觉。）

参考分数（满分20分）：7

总体点评
        作者的习作基本符合考研英语一写作要求，结构完整，段落分明，需注意以下几方面问题：
        1. 文章的立意稍微有点儿偏差，通篇给人一种作者针对“现在招聘条件过于苛刻”展开了一系列论述的感觉。在看图的同时要思考，以挖掘图片的深层含义，在此基础上展开行文。
        2. 受立意偏差的影响，文章的论述也不到位，不仅内容不够连贯，中心也不突出。建议作者在洞察图片寓意之后，先思考文章脉络，即每一段围绕什么进行展开，有哪些素材可以支撑这一中心，这些素材彼此之间是什么关系，理清思路，再开始作文。
        3. 文章有一些语法错误，无论是词性不清楚或是知识点不清楚，都应引起重视。
        4. 文章还有一个比较严重的问题，即文章的语言表达很汉语化，不仅一些词语用词不够准确，有的句子也不易理解。这一点在短期内只有通过在平时的复习中积累好的常用表达来改善，长期可以通过阅读英文原著或外刊来提升自己的英语思维。
           “人若有志，万事可为”，相信只要你立志于改善并坚持努力，你的写作肯定会有提升！加油！！！

                                                                                                                                                考研1号编辑部
                                                                                                                     2014年 10月13日