【考研1号】“2014作文修改”——【第一期英语一“学位与能力”】

营云燕 发表于 14-10-12 22:41
孩子，你比我写的好，但是不得不说单词拼写错误啊！而且词组使用不当，employee是被雇佣者，employer才是 ...

谢谢你指出我的问题，太感谢了~~还有什么问题么？

积极参与中。。。。

Incredibly but definitely, Mr. Zhuge, who is considered as a typically representative of brilliant intellectual, is refused by the manager of the company which is prepared to recruit new members. The reason why the manager don’t employ him is that he don’t have degrees and cannot speak English.
  Simple as the cartoon seems to be, the insight conveyed is quite thought-provoking. It mirrors a serious social phenomenon that majority of companies take seriously degrees and the reputation of one’s university, regardless of competence. As the economic boom brings not merely material comfort but a high-level pursuit of education as well, modern citizens , ranging from the young to the elderly, treat education as the compulsory task of their life. A recent finding has provided the first concrete clue that the number of master is equated with the number of bachelor two decades ago, thus, the quantity of educators remarkably exceed the need of market. It is the simplest way that common companies view the educational background as the criterion to select the best employee who can be competent of complex job.
  In my points of view, the tide of blindly pursuing degrees should be controlled. It’s a great pity that more and more graduates, having high score with low-competence, barely have practical skills to adapt to the real job. It’s a misfortune of a nation. On the other hand, to ourselves, we should accept the reality. Education is to better our personality, lead a cultural life, defined as a fluent interaction between knowledge and courtesy. Meanwhile, practical skills should be attached importance so that we can be linked with world and keep up with the demands of the market.
今天才看到笔版的微博，希望还能被改啊~~~
之前都是听某老师的课然后只有一段一段的练，这是第一次完全写一篇，头都要抠破了·····
知道写的很烂，但就是写的烂才想能被指导···知道机会难得啊[d:9]看在我晚上打乱计划的份上能不能帮我改改，好希望能有人这么细致的指导[d:9]谢谢谢谢求批改~~~

老师，这是根据你的建议修改后的作文。
As the picture above shows,Mr.Zhuge,who has no diplomas and has no knowledge of  English ,is directly refused by the employee in a job hunting,though he is knowledgeable and talented.
The picture implicitly reveals the phenomenon that the majority of people equate diploma with ability,since they think a diploma is a proof of one's good education.Thus,a diploma is like a passport in a job hunting.What's more, with the development, English has become an international language,whch is one of basic skills.In evidence,diploma and English can't show one's ability and konwledge.
All in all,diploma and English can't be regarded as the only princilpe of hiring.In fact, the higher diploma doesn't mean the better ability.In a word,comprehensive evaluation is neccessary  and appropriate to select talents.

_Psyche 发表于 14-10-10 17:56
看到的时候已经差不多五点了，已经抢不到前三楼了！！！还请老师批改！！！

As is vividly depicted i ...

        因为老师工作繁忙，没有时间逐一修改各位的作文，很是抱歉。很遗憾你的这篇文章老师不在此次修改文章之列，不过老师给你指出了文章存在的问题和相关建议：

一、语法方面：
1. 注意冠词的用法：
①不定冠词a与an的区别（元音前用an；辅音前用a）
例，taking part in a（an）interview
②不定冠词与定冠词的用法
例，who is the（a） famous people
③遗漏冠词
例，but you do not have （加a） diploma
2. 注意名词的单复数：
例，good at many academy（前面用了many，此处应该使用复数形式，且academy意为“学院”“学会”，用在这里不合适）
3. 注意保持主谓一致：
例，diploma（diplomas） and english (English) likes (主语为复数，谓语动词也应使用复数；且like作“像”之意讲时为介词不是动词，因此改为are like) a stepping-stone (建议改为stepping-stones) to success
例，One man want（主语为单数，谓语也应使用单数，改为wants） to（加be）strong
4. 介词后跟词语形式不清楚：
例，the trend of connect（of为介词，后跟名词、代词或动名词，改为connecting）with
5. 句子缺少谓语动词，或谓语与非谓语动词混淆：
例，it to some extend means that you（加have） no opporunity make（making） friend（friends） of (with) foreigners
例，practical knowledge ,dioplam and english （加are）all needful (needed), for us, as well as for our country
6. only倒装句未完全掌握：
例，Only in this way can we have a brilliant future and our country will developing（will our  country develop）quickly
二、词汇方面：
1. 注意近义词的区别：
who is the（a） famous people（改为person，a people指“一个民族”）
2. 注意词语的词性：
例，diploma and english likes（like作“像”时为介词） a stepping-stone
3. 注意专有名词等首字母要大写：
例，eglish（English）
4. 注意词语的拼写：
例，interveiwer，alothough，speake，dioplam，Fo，dluently等等
三、内容方面：
        通读全文，不难得知作者全篇都在围绕“必须重视文凭和英语”展开，这体现出作者并没有完全读懂图画寓意。作者忽视了图中这个“既无文凭也不懂英语”的求职者是诸葛亮，众所周知，诸葛先生才华横溢、能力超群，因此他被用人单位拒绝体现的是当今社会过分强调文凭和英语的重要性，而忽视了应聘者自身的实际能力。因此，这篇习作写跑题了。
        所以，作者在提笔写之前，一定要多加审视图片，注意到图画的每个细节，以揣摩图画的真正寓意。在此基础上再构思文章，才不会跑题。

        （望作者能够根据以上批注，发现并改正文章中存在的类似问题，这样才能提升更快。）
         总之，在现阶段，作者需重视审题、语法和词汇这三方面，逐步改善自己的写作。加油！

                                                                                                                                                          考研1号编辑部
                                                                                                                                                             2014年10月16日

苍州越 发表于 14-10-10 19:03
As is vividly depicted in the picture.MR.z huge, who showed extraordinary abilities in Chinese histo ...

        因为老师工作繁忙，没有时间逐一修改各位的作文，很是抱歉。很遗憾你的这篇文章老师不在此次修改文章之列，不过老师给你指出了文章存在的问题和相关建议：
一、语法方面：
1. 注意过去式和过去分词的区别：
例，the degree has became（改为become，became是动词过去式）
2. 注意名词的数：
例，a lot of such case（前面用 a lot of修饰，表明不止一个，因此改为cases）by newspaper（newspapers） or social net（nets）
3. 因词语词性不清楚而导致其形式错误：
例，even we ourselves are in（加a） role liked (like作“像，和……一样”讲时为介词，因此改为like) MR.zhuge
4. 从句引导词掌握不清楚：
例，we deal right now in the landscape with an infatuation with the culture of getting degree that （在we前加that，删除degree后的that，即用that引导主语从句；或者把that改为“,which”，即用which引导非限定性定语从句，指代前面的句子）can be properly bubbled in the environment that（改为where或in which） only the people having formidable abilities can survive at last.（此外，本句前半部分有点重复赘余，因此语意不是十分清晰）
例，we easily found ,（逗号改为that）the most of the young ,espically in china , miss the point…
5. 冠词的使用：
例，rarely do the leaders surely have the（改为a） suitable and effective way to single out
例，play high value on the（删除）getting abilities
二、标点符号：
1. 文章有部分标点符号使用有误：
例，As is vividly depicted in the picture.（改为逗号）MR.z （Mr.）huge, who showed extraordinary abilities in Chinese history. （改为逗号）is rejected by…
2. 同时需注意句子第一个单词的首字母需大写。
三、语言表述：
1. 注意词语的搭配：
例，…has became the more critical role (played a more critical role ) than abilities
2. 不要轻易自己制造词语：
例，but overdepended（无overdepend一词）on the degree
3. 注意词语的使用：
例，our society won（would） not get there just with the degree and we won (would) not touch fantastic…
       此外，文章的一些语句受汉语影响，表达很汉化。部分语言表述句意不明。同样的，作者一方面需在平时的学习中积累常用的相关表述，另一方面应通过阅读来提升自己的英语思维。
四、文章内容：
        文章第一段描述图画，第二段分析现象原因，第三段给出自己的写作建议，这一写作思路没有任何问题。需注意的是，第二段在分析原因时，一定要表意明确，并保证前后内容逻辑清晰连贯，这样读者才能够清楚作者所述的具体原因所在。
       望作者能够根据以上问题示例，改正文章中出现的类似问题。在今后的写作中，既要把握好文章的核心——内容，也要注重文章的外壳——语言和语法。
                                                                                                                                        考研1号编辑部
                                                                                                                                          2014年10月16日

  Above are two people, while the old man on the left is Mr. Zhuge, known for his wise, intending to apply for a job. The employer on the left says that you don’t have any certificates and English language ability.
  
  Over the past couple of years, one person’s ability is an important thing that a great many Chinese value highly. But in recent years, it seems that diplomas play an increasingly important role in people's life, which even becomes essential if one wishes to get a job. Various people, nowadays, no matter young or old, famous or ordinary, regard the certificate as the most important thing in their career. Besides, corporations also tend to recruit the employee coupled with higher degree and don’t take his or her real capabilities into account, which is a decisive factor for an opening, leading to pursuit certificates blindly.
   
  In my opinion, what the company concerned should be the ability rather than the diploma employees have. In our competitive society, ability is the essential thing which should be paid more attention to. The  diploma can only prove to your educational experience.

又改了 下 希望老师可以给修改啊 感谢！！！

考研1号编辑部 发表于 14-10-14 18:38
写作原文
        Nothing is so inconceivable and attention-grabbing as the picture depicts. A  ...

先谢谢老师帮忙修改作文~~几个小疑问希望老师百忙之中帮我解决一下下：1，描述图片内容的部分，平时练习的时候要么描述的特别麻烦，特别仔细，要么就是描述的不够到位，忽略了该有的东西，总是抓不到图片中的重要信息，这个要怎么办~；
2，就像这篇文章一样，之前自己写作练习的时候也总是觉得自己掌握不太好图画的寓意，总是概括不到位，这个要如何练习才能有所提升~；
比如以06年的作文题目为例：盲目的偶像崇拜现象，然后我自己如果写的话，思路大概如下：
1，描述图画，指出现象；
2，适当的偶像崇拜本身ok，如果恰当会起到好的效果；
但如果过度崇拜则会造成诸多影响，比如学业成绩受到影响；
3，作为教师或者家长，要帮助学生树立正确的价值观念，不要盲目崇拜，认清楚当下该做的事情；
作为学生的我们要自己正确的理解流行文化，要掌握好度。
老师这种思路可以么

   What we can see from the picture is that Mr.Zhuge is rejected by employer because he does't have a diploma and can't speak English.
   A man,living in the modern society,who does't have a diploma,meanwhile,can't use English is regarded as incapble.So to a certain degree,he can't afford and adapt to what he will do as one of the members in the campany.
   In my opinion,a diploma,on one hand,is a identification of a emplyee's ability,just as whether he can speak English or not.It's through a diploma that we can realize that a employee's level of education and individual quality.A sword has two sides,the employer can also ignore what he does't see to judge a person who has his own specail skill for that company so that both employer and employee can't reach a consesus.
   the way,I think,can accelerate the veracity of personnel recruitment is make the condition more elastic and more humanized.


写太晚没有被改的可能了~~第一次写，感觉好烂，练习为主。

小四爷 发表于 14-10-15 18:24
好的谢谢老师，我有一个疑问，which不是可以指代前面那个句子么，所以我才用的give。。。。，作祈使句 ...

      您好，从语法角度而言，which可以引导非限定性定语从句，指代前面的句子，主句也可以是祈使句。但是其暗含一个逻辑关系：祈使句是请求或倡导他人去做某事，因此后面的定语从句从逻辑而言理应是告诉他们“这样做有什么好处”。例如，Firstly,make the idea of choosing the right candidate for the right position a common view among employers through publicity campaign， which is not only good for their own development，but also lets applicants have a peace of mind,reducing the instability due to resentment.(首先，要通过大力宣传，让唯才是用成为大家的共识，这既有利于企业自身的发展，也会让求职者有一个平和的心态，减少其因愤然而带来的不稳定因素。)而作者所写的语句从逻辑角度而言不是很明确，因此前面用祈使句不是十分合适。此外，which指代前面一个句子，定语从句的谓语动词应为单数。