【考研1号】“2014作文修改”——【第一期英语一“学位与能力”】

聪明的小酥2 发表于 14-10-10 16:51
It is hardly difficult for us to figure out in the drawing given above that a person, nervous and he ...

        因为老师工作繁忙，没有时间逐一修改各位的作文，很是抱歉。很遗憾你的这篇文章老师不在此次修改文章之列，不过老师给你指出了文章存在的问题和相关建议：

一、语法方面：
1. 主谓不一致。
…a person, nervous and helpless , is unable to satisfy the requirement which need（定语从句的先行词the requirement为单数，谓语需与先行词保持主谓一致，改为needs） high diploma…
2. 定语从句掌握不到位。
①注意定语从句的引导词，what不能引导定语从句。
the requirement…what he applied for…（如果what在此不是想引导定语从句，则其根本不应出现在这里）
②引导词与先行词的关系不清，体现在以下非限定性定语从句中：
…graduates have to gain many skills to satisfy the interviewer’s requirements sooner than any other competitors （加逗号：这是一个非限定性定语从句，引导词which作主语，指代的是前面整一句话所列举的事实，因此要加逗号）which gives rise to the interviewers an approach
3. 非谓语动词使用有误。
例1， It is hardly necessary for me to cite all the evidence of the phenomenon is（本句是一个简单句，却出现了双谓语，删除这里的is）being existed in modern society.
例2，…suspend（改为suspended）at the top of the list are the following causes
例3，we should try our best to enhance our awareness which（删除，后面的动词不定式短语作目的状语，which多余） to improve ourselves incessantly so that we can have the upper hand when to competed（改为competing with，这里是省略了主语和系动词的时间状语从句） someone .
4. 疑问句结构不清楚。
  Why the phenomenon exists ?（应为Why dose the phenomenon exist?）
5. 名词单复数
            more choice（choices）form (from) the community included (including) the developing economy
           建议作者复习巩固相关的语法知识点，尤其是非谓语动词（动名词、动词不定式、现在分词、过去分词）和谓语动词的区别。
二、 语言表述方面：
      作者喜欢写长句，但注意长句不是把几个句子连在一起，要注意句意之间的逻辑关系，把不同层次的句子断开。此外，文章语言也不是长难句越多越好，长短结合、错落有致才是好的语言。如若语法基础不好，一味追求长难句则容易出错，结果只能适得其反。
三、内容方面：
1. 寓意不合适：This phenomenon indicates that the diploma is more important than ability . 这只是表象，学历并不比能力重要。
2. 文章第二段用来分析现象原因，最后一段给出自己的观点，写作思路没有问题。但是，在分析原因时，作者先提出“很多人未意识到理论知识的重要性，而花费过多时间去兼职”，这与话题主旨联系不大，甚至属于反向论据；随后，作者用较大的篇幅指出竞争压力大，这同样与“学位与能力”几乎没有联系。而最后一段，作者的建议基本上都和competition有关，内容跑偏。
总之，作者需先弄清图画所表达的寓意，在此基础上围绕寓意的主旨来构思成文。

文章还有其他细节方面的问题，望作者能够参照其他考生的作文批改，来检查自己的习作。

                                                                                                                                                       考研1号编辑部
                                                                                                                                                       2014年10月15日

Above are two people, while the old man on the left，who is Mr. ZhuGe, intends to apply for a job,the man on the left says that you do not have certificates and English language ablity.
With the development of our society,it seems that certificates play an increasingly important role in people's life, which even becomes essential if one who wish to get a job. Various people, no matter young or old, famous or ordinary, regard the certificates as the most important thing in their career. Besides, the corporations are also keen on recruting workers coupled with higher degree regradless of his or her capbility, encouraging the trend of pursuiting certificates unreasonably.
In my poinion, what the company concerned should be the ability instead of the diploma employees have. In our competitive society, ability is the essential thing that should be think highly. The diploma only is a proof of your educational experience.
谢谢老师哇 第一次写！

小椰 发表于 14-10-14 20:57
顶一下~~去年就是在这里改的作文~~~

小椰！！！你是小珞家的小椰吗？？扑倒~~~

考研1号编辑部 发表于 14-10-15 15:25
因为老师工作繁忙，没有时间逐一修改各位的作文，很是抱歉。很遗憾你的这篇文章老师不在此次修 ...

谢谢指教啊，本人英语很弱  目前作文还是依样画葫芦阶段！

小四爷 发表于 14-10-10 17:30
求批改~~
As picture demonstrates，employer sitting behind the table with a sign of recruitmen ...

        因为老师工作繁忙，没有时间逐一修改各位的作文，很是抱歉。很遗憾你的这篇文章老师不在此次修改文章之列，不过老师给你指出了文章存在的问题和相关建议：

一、语法方面：
1. 注意冠词的用法：
例，As（加the）picture demonstrates，（加an或the）employer…for having neither （加a）diploma
2. 注意句子的基本结构：
例，an ancient Chinese sage，or rather say（删除）, a think tank
Give priority to develop education including English,which never equal that all doors are slaming in the face of people without high level of education.（本句结构混乱，同时表意不清。作者本意想用which引导非限定性定语从句，但是主句不是一个完整的句子：若Give priority to…充当主句的主语，则应把Give改为Giving，即用动名词短语作主语，动词不可以作主语；give priority to中，to为介词，后面应跟名词、代词或动名词，因此develop改为developing；同时，主句缺少谓语。需重新组织语言）
   3. 注意保持主谓一致：
例，however, （加the）employer frown（主语the employer为单数，应保持主谓一致，改为frowns） on him.
   4. 注意名词的单复数：
…both employer（employers）and employee（employees）are satisfied to…
总之，作者在写长句时，需清楚句子的基本结构，同时需复习巩固冠词和名词的数方面的语法知识，此外需细心。
二、语言方面：
        作者的部分语句因为语言表述的关系，比较费解。同时，部分表述不够地道。在表达之前，首先要清楚自己想要说明什么，然后借助正确的语法和常用的表达来传递给读者。在平时的复习中，多积累地道的短语和表达，以使文章的语言清晰明白。
三、结构和内容方面：
        考研英语写作一般写为三段，而本文有四段。文章第二段首先提出“这种招聘标准有缺陷”……最后提出“学位不等同于能力”；而第三段先点明过分重视学历的弊端，然后举例说明不同行业应重视什么，最后说明自己的观点“知识很重要，但是学历不能代表知识”……通读全文，发现文章内容前后之间似乎没什么关系，即中心不突出，且逻辑稍显混乱。
        建议作者在写作之前，一定要理清思路：明确“第一段主要写什么，第二段重点阐述什么，第三段表达什么观点”，然后围绕每一段的中心展开论述。注意，所写语句前后之间一定要逻辑清晰。

        总之，建议作者现在应把重心放在行文构思方面，同时兼顾语言表达和语法知识。“绳锯木断，水滴石穿”，通过不断的努力，作者的写作一定会有显著提高。加油！
       以上内容仅列举出作者写作存在的代表性问题，一些细节问题望作者能够根据建议和其他考生的批改来自行检查。

                                                                                                                                                    考研1号编辑部
                                                                                                                                                     2014年10月15日

虽然来晚了，还是写了一下。


As is shown in the picture,Mr.Zhuge,who wears ancient clothes,is looking for a job.And a man sits behind of a table and excludes Mr.Zhuge,because he has not an educational background and can not speak English.There are four words on the table what is “absorb talents” in English. How meaningful the picture is!
This cartoon displays a recently popular phenomenon.It reminds us when we absorb talents,we can not ignore some elements:firstly,nowadays some companies think educational background is more important than real ability.And,our social sometimes is fuel for this bad phenomenon,we begin to value outside rather than inside.So,I think it is very significant,we must think about it carefully.
In my opinion,these things would effect our country.We should do something prevent it:on the one hand,our government should claim the firms looking for talents according to their real needs.On the other hand,these biases and behaviors are to blame by social and public,the news and multi-media should report positive news.As the saying goes well,Rome is not built in a day.With great effort,we can create more harmonious social.

考研1号编辑部 发表于 14-10-15 16:48
因为老师工作繁忙，没有时间逐一修改各位的作文，很是抱歉。很遗憾你的这篇文章老师不在此次修 ...

好的谢谢老师，我有一个疑问，which不是可以指代前面那个句子么，所以我才用的give。。。。，作祈使句。。。。

不知道还来不来得及了，谢谢老师啊。
Zhuge Kongming came to a interviewee confidently, but he was refused. With an unbelievable look, Mr.Zhuge asked why. The officer answered briefly, you had no certificate of degree, you cannot understand English.
That is the above picture, we can see. The topic of finding job is a really hot ponit these years. What is the more important one, certificate or ablity? Even Zhuge Kongming, who is famous as a gift person, didn't pass the interviewee without the certificate. It is the reality in our society, no matter how excellent you are, you need the certificate to prove that you have reached some the least requirements.
I think certificate is the basic we need, when we look for a job. But it is not the unique standard , we should have another standard for those who really have some innate skill. After all, all kinds of abilities are needed to make our country more wonderful.

The degree and ability
In the picture,Zhuge liang who holding a feather fan wanted to apply for a job.Recruiters posed a gesture to refuse and said:"Mr.Zhuge,I'm so sorry.You have no the diploma，and you can not speak English."

As we all know,Zhuge liang is the talent who Liu Bei willingly payed three visits to the cottage，and is famous strategist and politician in the three kingdoms period.His ability,even in today's society，there are few people can match on.But why did he be rejected on the job fair？All that because diploma provoked a curse.

Normally，there is a positive correlation between diploma and ability.Most people who have a degree will have a good ability about study and adapting to the environment.From this level，it is reasonable that the company think a lot of diploma when choose and employ people.

Exception can be found to any rule. The company could not take the diploma too seriously.There are so many people who successfully in political and business  forum have not diploma.

        由于是用手机看的题目，不懂怎么看图片，所以看了其他人的描述写，不懂有没有离题T^T，谢谢楼主提供这个平台。谢谢。
        It can be seen from the graph that a person is applying for a position in the firm.However,it's a pity that he was rejected as he went down without taking a degree.And the similar case is not rare in today' career fair.      
        Is degree means ability the main facter resulting in recruitor reject to employ the candidates who without degree? From the company perspective,they prefer to capture the person who was granted a academic degree is benefical for them to take into account how to better to run their firm in this competitive society.And it's a lesson that there were some employees without degree as well as talent ,which made the loss in different level of the firm.The another important reason is that turn up phenomenon followed suit by some small scale firms,which is heavily .So that more and more jobless limited without degree.        
       Such recruitment fail to provide candidates with a stage for fair competition.It is harmful to both capable people and society.Real person with ability will be deprived of working chances and the man ,who had degree without talent , granted for a good position will be hardness for society to balance the relation between supply and demand in the job market.
真正下笔写才发现自己底子是有多不好，不过还是鼓起勇气写出来了，虽然写的很菜不过还是希望老师和各位大神帮我看看， 让我更明白自己的不足。