【考研1号】“2014作文修改”——【第三期英语一“毅力与恒心”】

catallena 发表于 14-10-25 20:58
e in our society in which we live in这啥意思啊，貌似不对吖

恩恩 可能是又问题吧。。改成:we live in a society in which the perseverance is pervasive。就好一点吧。。

老师辛苦了~想请老师来看一下这有没有致命错误，以便提前改善，力求稳妥~谢谢老师！！

      What an illuminating, enlightening and thought-provoking image it is! Featured in the drawing above is that a man, in a sweat, holding a stick, is climbing over some steep mountains toward the peak. Though the harsh realities and tough trail, he resume his activity after a bit of rest. Few things could be so symbolic as the illustration. It goes far beyond any reasonable dispute that what the illustrator virtually aims to convey is by no means simple.

      What in the world can be inferred from the above cartoon? Indeed, no persistence, no success. Anyone, who has a slack fame, could not obtain the ultimate achievement and accomplishment. As is revealed in a recent survey conducted by Chinese Daily, three fifths of the people  confessed  that they have a failure to do something for absence of perseverance.
      
      "Prudently and cautiously, lacking of persistence and perseverance may exercise a passive influence on your professional progression”, contends Dr. Bi Ban, a 32-year-old psychologist. It is the responsibility of the schools and families to take the lead in the campaign to promote improving and strengthening their sustainability. Meanwhile, each individual should strive to overcome any hardship. I am strongly convinced that anything can be done as long as we have persistence heart.

苍州越 发表于 14-10-24 20:24
As is vividly depicted in the picture.facing one mountain after another,a disable boy, who burdens a ...

写作原文

        As is vividly depicted in the picture.（改为逗号） facing one mountain after another, a disable（改为disabled，disable为动词） boy, who burdens（用shoulders更确切具体） a heavy bag, is on the road to his arm（on the road to意为“在去……的路途中”，若想表达“借助他的手”，可改为with his arm，但是这与图画不是很相符。建议改为to the summit）. at (At) the same time, the word of “persistent(persistence)” is showed in our eyes.
        （第一段点评：作者先用一个现在分词短语作伴随状语，之后引出图画的主体a disabled boy，中间插入一个非限定性定语从句补充说明主体的其他特征，最后描述这一主体的行为动作。这一叙述方式不仅能够体现语法的丰富性，同时言简意赅，信息全面，重点突出。不足之处在于文字信息的体现方式有点儿生硬，且与上文语意衔接稍显突兀。）

        The purpose of the cartoonist is that we should play high value on（表达不地道，改为place a high value on）the (删除the，persistence是抽象名词) persistence. in the “fast and furious ”environment(建议改为In a rapidly changing world), the unspoken pressure（汉式思维） and fierce competitions（competition表示“竞争”时不可数，表示“竞赛，比赛”时可数，改为competition） are in（建议改为people are overwhelmed with intolerable pressure and fierce competition）, especially for those dedicated to showing their ambition, which means, to get greatest success（achieve great success）or survive in （加this）society, the road you choose must be firmly focused on. a（A）good case comes into my mind（本句的谓语动词为后面的is，此处用comes导致句中出现双谓语，且表述受汉语影响。改为coming to mind，即用现在分词短语作后置定语）is the exam of postgraduate（entrance exams for postgraduate schools）, although ones（one’s） abilities and konwledges (knowledge) should be taken into the（删除） consideration, what is surprised at us.（首先，用句号隔开使得句意不完整，其次surprise作动词时表示“使惊奇”，而be surprised at意为“对……感到惊讶”。改为what surprises us is that） students having the ticket（receiving the admission notice） remind us of the word（建议删除） “persistence” one wave after another. because (Because) without it, you would lose impatient（patience，注意词性和语意） to wait for the fantastic future that is at next second（lies ahead）.
        （第二段点评：本段作者先点明图画寓意，然后展开论述，最后通过举例来论证自己的观点，这一写作思路没有任何问题。需注意以下两点：一是论述不够充分；二是举例没有力度。首先，“社会变化快，压力竞争大”并不能够推出“为了有所成就或在社会立足，必须聚焦于自己所选的道路”；其次，在举例时应加强对比，选取一个与论述主体能力相仿的参照对象，此参照对象与论述主体相比“缺乏毅力”，最终参照对象考研失败而论述主体获得成功，通过对比来渲染毅力的重要性。）

        Rome is not built in a day. persistence never has all the answer（汉式表达，建议改为Persistence is not always the answer）, but persistence（改为it,即使用代词避免名词的重复） does provide us with the best available guide to the future. only in this way the bud you plant would bloom（“only+状语”位于句首时，后面要用部分倒装，且建议改为Only in this way will the seed you planted sprout）.
       （第三段点评：作者在最后一段对上文予以总结，即重申毅力的重要性。就本段而言，第一句与第二句之间缺少衔接，且第二句并不能支撑第三句的内容。此外，本段与上一段之间缺少衔接，可加上一个“承上启下”的过渡句或短语。）


总体点评
本文立意正确，结构完整，且采用举例例证这一论述方法来支撑自己的论点，这一点较好。需注意以下几个方面：
1. 加强思维逻辑的训练，使文章内容更加充实，前后语意连贯合理。
2. 加强段落之间和语句之间的衔接。
3. 文章有一些语法错误，尤其应注意名词的可数与不可数、定冠词the的用法、谓语动词与非谓语动词的区别、only倒装句的使用等语法知识点，同时要保证句意完整。
4. 注意词语的词性，并清楚其含义。同时要细心，避免出现单词拼写错误。
5. 注意标点符号的使用，同时保证句子第一个单词首字母大写。
6. 文章不少语言受汉语影响，表达不地道。在平时的复习中，应积累常用的词组和短语，并通过阅读逐步提升自己的英语思维。

因此，建议作者复习巩固相关的语法知识，同时注意词汇的词性及名词的可数与不可数，并逐步提升自己的语言表达和思维逻辑能力。只要作者针对自己写作中存在的问题进行改正，一定能写出更好的文章，加油！

参考分数（满分20分）：8
                                                              

考研1号编辑部
                                                              2014年 10月27日

Davinci86 发表于 14-10-25 00:29
终于写完了 抢到7楼 还算不错 望老师打分 老师打分很重要 谢谢 这次又是3个小时

好赞呀～～～～～～～

写的真好～～～～～～～～

xqw681213 发表于 14-10-27 17:42
写的真好～～～～～～～～

对的～～～～～～～～

考研1号编辑部 发表于 14-10-27 17:23
写作原文

        As is vividly depicted in the picture.（改为逗号） facing one mountain afte ...

好的 谢谢老师 我会根据你的建议进行改正

肉垫 发表于 14-10-25 15:04
There is an old saying about persistence that goes, a journey of a thousand miles begins with single ...

[p:27]每天上来看一眼 老师给我打个分也是可以的 谢谢老师！！

好东西，好东西啊

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