【考研1号】“2014作文修改”——【第三期英语一“毅力与恒心”】

        第三期活动来啦，先公布两个喜讯：    1.下周起每期活动总结改为周六发，新的话题也是周六发布。这意味着什么呢？意味着每期活动老师多了一天时间来修改哦，鼓掌！[p:30] [p:30] [p:30]

    2.偷偷透露一下，下周老师不像这两周那么忙，于是嘛，详细修改的篇数也会比之前有所增加，所以后面提交作文的考生也有福了。 当然，老师依然是先修改前3篇习作，随机修改后面的。[m:56] [m:56] [m:56]

    然后，一如既往的福利：第二期活动总结地址http://bbs.freekaoyan.com/thread-886485-6-1.html

本期活动话题选自《写作160篇》重点预测  品格修养类“毅力与恒心”

Directions:   
Write an essay of 160—200 words based on the following drawing. In your essay，you should
1. describe the drawing briefly;
2. explain its intended meaning, and then
3. give your comments.
You should write neatly on the ANSWER SHEET. (20 points)


抢楼的同学请在发帖后2小时内将作文发上来，否则抢楼无效。
如果有同学想买考研1号老师出的作文书，请点击二楼右侧的图片进入购书页面。

第三期“毅力与恒心”作文修改总结

一、构思+内容

考生写作中出现最大的问题：本期活动图画直观地表现“毅力与恒心”这一主题，因此考生习作没有出现跑题这一问题。然而，“毅力与恒心”属于“品格修养类话题”，面对这类话题，很多考生感觉无话可说，或是围绕一个论据翻来覆去地论述，或套用一些无实质内容的模板句式来扩充文章字数，或是前后内容逻辑混乱。
解决方案：
“品格修养类话题”与“永恒哲理类话题”类似，无非是从“描述图画、点明寓意——论述某种品格（或某个哲理）的重要性——重申品格（或哲理）的重要性，指出我们可以怎么做”这一角度进行构思，进而组织成文。
1.第一段：描述图画+点明寓意
（注：若描述图画字数较多，也可将点明寓意部分放至文章第二段。）
描述图画：①在描述图画时，部分考生过于注重细节而忽视重要信息。本期活动图画的主人翁是一个“腿脚不便利”的小男孩，而他要做的事情是“爬山”。要知道，对于一个身体健康的普通人而言，爬山都具有一定的挑战，更何况是一个不幸遭遇截肢的人！然而，他并没有因此放弃，这突出体现了毅力与恒心这一主题。因此，考生在描述图画时，应该指出男孩“腿脚不便利”这一要素。

②部分考生在描述图画时使用过多评述性语言，如同一篇文章中出现“What an illuminating, enlightening andthought-provoking image it is!”“Few things could be so symbolic as the illustration depicts”“It goes far beyondany reasonable dispute that what the illustrator virtually aims to convey is byno means simple”。要知道，描述图画是为了引出图画寓意，因此应抓住图画重点来进行描述，评述性语言一句即可。

点明寓意：很多考生在阐述图画寓意时，直接表明“图画上方写着几个汉字——毅力与恒心”，这一方式并非不可，只不过比较生硬呆板。倘若能够顺承对图画的描述，衔接一句诸如“他的毅力与恒心深深打动了我”或是“在毅力与恒心的闪耀下，远处的山峰好像更近了”之类的言语，不仅衔接巧妙，也给人耳目一新的感觉。
2.第二段：论述某种品格（或某个哲理）的重要性
总述：先总说毅力与恒心对于个人与社会至关重要。
正面论述：人常说“好的开端是成功的一半”，但是倘若不能坚持下去，则永远不能到达成功的彼岸。换言之，毅力是取得成功的关键。一个有毅力的人，纵使遇到再大的困难和阻力，也能够想办法去克服，最终取得成功。例如……（列举一个面对众多困难或失败依然坚持不懈并最终取得成功的事例，来证明论点的正确性——举例时，注意叙事的技巧，应着重渲染某人遇到多么大的阻力或什么样的困难，在这种情况下，他仍不放弃，以突显他的毅力与恒心。）
反面论述：事情无论大小都有阻力，没有坚定的毅力，即使一件简单的事，也可能因为半途而废而难以企及。例如……（列举一个本可能会获取成功却半途而废的事例，着重渲染事情的简单和阻力之小，以反衬缺乏毅力与恒心产生的负面影响。）
总之，在论述时，先总述某种品格（或某个哲理）非常重要，然后从正反两面来论述（拥有某种品格或信奉某个哲理给人带来什么益处；缺乏某种品质或不屑某一哲理带来什么负面影响），并可分别举例来加深论述力度。（倘若素材较多，也可仅正反对比不举例，或是正面描述正面举例，亦或反面描述反面举例。）
3.第三段：重申品格（或哲理）的重要性，指出我们可以怎么做
重申重要性：再次点明某种品格（或哲理）非常难能可贵（或充满智慧）。同时应注意与上一段的衔接，或选取能够体现前后内容之间联系的连词，或根据语意来顺接。
我们怎么做：“水滴石穿，绳锯木断”，无论你是强者或是弱者，无论目标远大或渺小，无论前方充满艰难险阻或是康庄大道，你都应该怀有毅力与恒心，坚持不懈向前走！（类似的，可根据不同的品质来替换前面的条件状语，即“无论……，你都应保持某种品质”。）谨记，坚持未必能够取得成功，但是半途而废必定会失败！

以上构思和内容仅是一个点金石，希望各位考生能从中得到启发，拓展自己的写作思路，合理组织文章内容，使文章逻辑清晰且符合常理。

二、语言+表达
    存在问题及相关建议：
1. 部分语言表述不精准，如与图画不契合，需仔细审视图画，并予以准确表达。
2. 受汉语影响，语言使用不够地道。或是表述累赘（如状语使用重复），或是搭配不得当，或是用词不准确，更有甚者直接根据汉语逐词翻译。这需要逐渐通过记忆和阅读来提升，积累常用表述，并逐步提升自己的英语思维能力。
3. 在未了解模版句子自身结构的情况下进行模仿，致使出现语法错误。建议考生在模仿模板句子之前，先分析模版句子构成，在此基础之上再进行仿写。此外，模版句子还有一个弊病，有的内容空泛，致使文章空洞无物。
4. 部分考生因为词汇量比较匮乏，导致同一个词语在文章中反复出现。建议在平时的复习中，多积累同一意义的不同表达，在作文的过程中进行同意替换，也可通过使用代词或定语从句等，来避免名词重复。同时，在阅读范文的过程中，逐渐积累同意替换的技巧。
5. 一些考生文章并没有多少语法错误，但是语句平淡无奇。针对这种情况，要想在语言上获得提升，可以通过使用一些“非谓语动词及短语作状语、独立主格结构、插入语、定语从句、主语从句、表语从句、强调句、倒装句、感叹句”等来丰富文章的语法结构。但是，文章不是长句越多越好，而应长短结合、错落有致。

三、语法+词汇
语法方面：
1. 保持主谓一致，尤其是定语从句中的主谓一致。此外，“the+形容词”表示一类人，相当于复数名词，其后所跟谓语动词为复数。
2. 注意连词的用法，保证前后成分对等。
3. 注意各类从句不同引导词的正确使用。
4. 注意动词的主动语态和被动语态。
5. 介词后跟名词、代词和动名词，不能跟动名词。
6. 注意时态的选取，并保持前后时态的相对统一。一般情况下，描述图画和叙述现状或一般现象，都使用相应的现在时态。
7. 注意冠词的使用：什么时候前加冠词，什么时候不加冠词，a用在辅音前，an用在元音钱。尤其应注意抽象名词前一般不加冠词。
8. 注意as的用法。
9. 注意宾语从句、同位语从句的语序（由疑问句转化过来时，同时注意后面所使用的标点符号）。
10. it’s high time that后面跟虚拟语气（“主语+动词过去式”或“主语+shoulddo”）。
11. 注意倒装句的使用：一方面需清楚倒装句使用的条件；另一方面清楚倒装句的语序。尤其应区分部分倒装与完全倒装的区别。
12. 区分such as和for example的用法。
13. 注意名词的单复数，尤其注意oneof后面跟可数名词复数。
14. 注意代词的使用，应与前面的名词保持意义和数的一致。
15. 注意区分谓语与非谓语动词，避免句子缺乏谓语或出现双谓语。
16. 注意保证句子的完整性。
17. 清楚哪些词后面跟句子，哪些词后面跟短语。

词汇方面：
1. 注意近义词辨析（如almost和nearly）。
2. 注意同根词辨析（如sweated和sweaty）。
3. 注意形近词辨析。
4. 注意词语的词性。
5. 保证词汇拼写正确。
在此基础之上，要想获得更大的提升，则应丰富文章词语，并保证使用地道。
四、逻辑+衔接
考生在写作时，要保证前后内容逻辑清晰，并符合常理。同时，注意衔接，即“确保连词使用无误”和“做好语意顺接（即过渡）”。不仅语句之间是这样，段与段之间亦应如此。要知道，中文文章多以情动人，而英文文章多以理服人。时刻谨记，文章是一个整体，每个版块之间都相互联系，你需要做的是把它们之间的内在联系用文字体现出来。

总之，写作考察的是一个人的综合能力，立意、构思、内容、逻辑、衔接、语法、词汇、表达，每一个方面都不容忽视。然而，每个人的强项和弱项都不尽相同，你需要做的是“扬长克短”——在这短暂的复习之中，从自己写作中存在的最大问题入手，逐步予以攻克，以提高自己的写作能力。正如本期话题所示，只要拥有毅力与恒心，在正确的引导之下，你一定能写出更好的作文！

考研1号编辑部
2014年11月2日

cnblue0730 发表于 14-10-25 09:02
Optimistically and positively, a handicapped boy is making every effort to climb a high mountain,  ...

早上在图书馆写完了，本来想中午回寝室再交的，总觉得心里惦记，还是跑回寝室交了吧·····求老师指导····

人云亦云的恩 发表于 14-10-24 21:47
What a thought-provking picture it is！A boy who stands on the bottom of a high mountain is climb ...

另外 ， 楼上那个写了284个 ， 会不会有点太多了...

As is vividly depicted in the picture.facing one mountain after another,a disable boy, who burdens a heavy bag ,is on the road to his arm.at the same time,the word of ”persistent”is showed in our eyes.
The purpose of the cartoonist is that we should play high value on the persistence.in the “fast and furious ”environment,the unspoken pressure and fierce competitions are in,especially for those dedicated to showing their ambition,which means,to get greatest success or survive in society,the road you choose must be firmly focused on.a good case comes into my mind is the exam of postgraduate,although ones abilities and konwledges should be taken into the consideration,what is surprised at us.students having  the ticket remind us of the word “persistence’ one wave after another.because without it,you would lose impatient to wait for the fantastic future that is at next second
Rome is not built in a day.persistence never has all the answer,but  persistence does provide us with the best available guide to the future.only in this way the bud you plant would bloom.

Persistence and determination

As is vividly shown in the picture, there is a boy who wanted to climb mountains.But his right leg is still physical disability.The sweat broke out all over his head. He must be exhausted after trudging all that way with his backpack.Without persistence and determination，nobody could stay there.

Patience is important in doing everything. Without persist,we are easy to abandon our attempt halfway.When Li Bai was young,he is very bright, but he doesn't study hard,and want to midway.One day, he meet a grandma who sanding an iron rod beside stream.Grandma said:"Constant grinding can turn an iron rod into a needle."Li Bai immediately understood.From then on,he kept his nose to the grindstone all year and got the huge success.

Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. But we are not born with it.Only through constant practice, can we improve our persistence ability. As long as we keep going，we will succeed in time.

   What a thought-provking picture it is！A boy who stands on the bottom of a high mountain is climbing this mountain，holding a stick that helps him climb.The boy seems to be tired out but never gives up his goal.As Chinese characters shown:Perseverance and never giving up.This phenomenon is pervasive in our society in which we live in.
   As is abundantly clear from the drawing,a vital information can be conveyed——the importance of perseverance.Indeed,for everyone,perseverance,whether it is just in our university or to a diverse society，may exert a positive impact on our daily life.For example,in our university,encountering more difficulties in the process of researching is a common phenomenon.Yet，the same situation we face have entirely differencent consequence resulting from the degree of perseverancing we exert.Meantime,in our society，most people just understand the meaning of perseverance,but innovators work conciously on their perseverance，and they fellow it through until they prove practicable.Thesefore，most people exaggerate the difficulties and overlook their strength of persevering.The perseverance is that which can stir us up most and make us the most courageous to do something and be something ourselves.
    In my opinion，perseverance is not only value but also habit——habit that can be couraged in society settings，with benifits in later life. To be seen as healthy attitude in our life,the measures are clear:Alaways remain ourselves of avoiding lazy implication and cultivate a brave heart.In addition,children should be educated to elude negative outlook by parents and teachers so as not to be misguided，which will bring unanticipated satisfacations and achieving further success.All in all,whatever we do,do with perseverance,with the whole mind.It will spur us onto even greater heights.

    希望，这次能被老师改到。谢谢老师啦！！！

    As is vividly depicted in the cartoon , a handicapped adolescent is climbing a mountain . In the drawing , carrying a bag , the disabled is climbing with painstaking effort walk the street of the mountain , sweat pouring down his face . And this picture is named “perseverance and never  give up”.

    The painter wants to tell us , just like the man on the portrayal , whatever we are doing , we should never give up and never stop making progress . First and foremost , it applies to individuals as in such a competitive world is cracking hard nut and trying to go ahead . By contrast , a lot of people choose to take a rest to enjoy their small success and thus the motivation and perseverance for further achievement . Furthermore , the country on the whole should hold onto and move forward in terms of politics , economy , and culture so that we Chinese as a nation can gain sustained respect from other peoples .

    It is my view that , firstly , we can frequently use the drawing to enlighten the juvenile to keep going whenever problems they faced with . Secondly , whatever difficulty or situation we are confronted with , those who have the spirit of keep going and never say give up are nearer to success . As the old saying goes , “ success belongs to the persevering ”.

       This picture showed that a young climber---carrying heavy bag,bearing angular shoes and using his stick---was arriving at the foot of a towering hill.Although the road of climbing was very rugged,there was firm and persistent in his eyes.”Willpower and perseverance” was wrote on the top of picture.
     Congratulations,young man,you was going were going to began a hard trip,but was there anyone not in these difficult world?We must complete our dreams and vacations with willpower and perseverance which could concentrate our attention on our goals and restrict inferference caused by loneliness and confusing.Chen Jinrun,a famous mathematician,was locked himself in a small kitchen that include only one window.How did he deal with loneliness and confusing,as he was solving Goldbach conjecture.It were willpower and perseverance.The scientist of two bombs and one satellite were working at western desert with disgusting environment.That were willpower and perseverance too.A person or a nation who had little willpower and perseverance,did not achieve great vacation.Without willpower and perseverance,a great number of students lost in the GMT which started with more than 1000,000 students every year.During the course of urban construction,by less willpower and perseverance,the upgrade was stopped again and again.That was a very serious problem.
     In my opinion, every person must establish a plan to practice our willpower and perseverance,which are very important condition for our success and family happiness.At the same time,the government will create positive person who are willpower and perseverance to encourage us to work hard for contributing.

Davinci86 发表于 14-10-25 00:25
This picture showed that a young climber---carrying heavy bag,bearing angular shoes and using ...

终于写完了 抢到7楼 还算不错 望老师打分 老师打分很重要 谢谢 这次又是3个小时

人云亦云的恩 发表于 14-10-24 21:47
What a thought-provking picture it is！A boy who stands on the bottom of a high mountain is climb ...

你这样写，显然是太长了。在考场上如果这样写，就很可能写不完，然后得低分。

what a enlightenling drawing it is ! As it is depicted , we can see aexhausting but still striving man climb mountain with a stick slowly . Above the picture is a title writed , which we can inferred its intended meaning simply from those words , willpower and perseverance .
    it's apprant that its intended meaning of this cartoon is to underline the significant importance of the willpower and perseverance . indeed ,we heard the whisper all life long , yet , it's still a  difficult decision to make that should we give up , if doom ?on the one aspect , inner place deep inside our heart so desire it , however , on the counterpart , we face the risk that we may not get what we aspire even when we fight exhausted . there is no deny that it even more unacceptable emotionly that we fighted we lost than we just lost .
    Nontheless , should we just let it go unwillingly ? certainly not !in my position of view , we must acknowledge that some time , we hang on there so much not since we have  got the faith to believe that we can achieve our dreams , as because that is the only wya to keep our hope alive .

求指导！