本帖最后由 考研1号编辑部 于 14-11-3 08:22 编辑
写作原文
What an illuminating, enlightening and thought-provoking image it is! Featured in the drawing above is that (删除) a man(加who), in a sweat, holding a stick, is climbing over some steep mountains toward the peak. Though(though用来引导让步状语从句,而此处后面是名词短语,改为Despite of) the harsh realities and tough trail, he resume(改为resumes,注意保持主谓一致) his activity after a bit of rest. Few things could be so symbolic as the illustration(加depicts). It goes far beyond any reasonable dispute that what the illustrator virtually aims to convey is by no means simple.
(第一段点评:文章以一个感叹句开篇,然后开始描述图画,这种引出图画的方式较好。但是,作者在描述图画时,忽视了一个重要细节——小男孩腿脚不便利,这是为了突出他的毅力与恒心,因此建议点明。此外,本段对图画的评述性语言过多——“What an illuminating, enlightening…”“ Few things could be so symbolic.” “It goes far beyond any reasonable dispute that...”,建议保留感叹句,删除其他两个句子。)
What in the world can be inferred from the above cartoon? Indeed, no persistence, no success. Anyone, who has a slack fame(此处想表达什么意思。徒有虚名?这与文章主旨没有关系), could not obtain the ultimate achievement and accomplishment(建议改为Anyone, without perseverance, could not obtain the ultimate achievement and accomplishment). As is revealed in a recent survey conducted by Chinese Daily(China Daily), three fifths of the people confessed that they have a failure to do something(首先,注意保持时态前后前对一致;其次,have a failure to do表述不地道,建议改为confessed that they failed to do something) for absence of perseverance.
(第二段点评:本段开始使用一个设问句,对图画的寓意进行自问自答,不仅引人注意,且相对比较新颖,值得鼓励。但是,文章在点明图画寓意no persistence, no success之后,仅用“Anyone…”一句展开叙述,然后套用一个没有实质意义的模板句型来补充说明——论述没有力度,内容不够充实。)
“Prudently and cautiously, lacking of persistence and perseverance may exercise(用词不准确,改为exert)a passive influence on your professional progression”, contends Dr. Bi Ban, a 32-year-old psychologist. It is the responsibility of the schools and families to take the lead in the campaign to promote improving and strengthening their sustainability(promote, improve和strengthen为同向词汇,叠加过多,此外sustainability侧重于“可持续性”,用在这里不合适。). Meanwhile, each individual should strive to overcome any hardship. I am strongly convinced that anything can be done as long as we have persistence heart(受汉语影响,建议改为we persist或we persevere).
(第三段点评:本段对上文予以总结,先引用一个“名人名言”,从反面来重申毅力与恒心的重要性,之后给出自己的建议措施。需注意两个问题:第一,不建议编造名人名言来“加强论证的说服力”,这种所谓的名人名言很可能会适得其反;第二,在重申毅力与恒心的重要性和给出建议措施之间应该有适当的过渡衔接。)
总体点评
文章立意正确,结构完整,且采用感叹句和设问句的形式分别引出图画和图画寓意这一方法较好,需注意以下几点:
1. 文章在描述图画时,有过多评述性语言,建议将重心放在图画本身,尤其是能够体现图画寓意的要素方面。
2. 在内容方面,作者面对品格修养类话题有点儿无话可说。分析某种品格的重要性,无非是在论述“这种品质能给我们带来什么”和“没有它会怎么样”,并可以通过具体的例证来加深论述的力度。
3. 文章有一些语句有模板句式痕迹,作者可以从平时的复习中积累好的表达,但是无实际内容的模板句式不建议采用。
4. 文章有部分语法错误,注意区分句子和短语,并保持主谓一致。
5. 文章部分语言受汉语思维影响,表达比较汉化,可通过阅读和积累逐步提升自己的英语思维。
6. 一些语句之间缺乏相应的衔接。
总之,作者的语法基础不错,需着重在文章构思和内容方面下功夫,同时注意段落语句之间的衔接,并通过努力去除文章的模板痕迹,使文章的语言表达更加地道。加油!!!
参考分数(满分20分):11
考研1号编辑部
2014年 10月31日 |