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人云亦云的恩 发表于 14-10-24 21:47
What a thought-provking picture it is!A boy who stands on the bottom of a high mountain is climb ...
写作原文
What a thought-provking (thought-provoking)picture it is!A boy who stands on the bottom of a high mountain is climbing this mountain,holding a stick that helps him climb.(首先,本句未体现出男孩腿脚不便利这一重要特征;其次,本句两次出现mountain和climb,建议换一种表达,以避免用词重复。可改为:A handicapped boy, who stands on the bottom of a high mountain, is trying to reach the peak with a stick.)The boy seems to be tired out but never gives up his goal. As(加the)Chinese characters shown: Perseverance and never giving up.(毅力与恒心为同一概念,且建议使用I am greatly touched by his perseverance.之类的语言,以将图画中的文字巧妙融入到描述中)This phenomenon is pervasive in our society in which we live in(从语法角度而言,应为in which we live或which we live in;建议删除,受汉语影响,与in our society语义重复).
(第一段点评:作者在描述图画时,因为想叙述全面,导致过于注重细节而忽视了重要信息——男孩腿脚不便利。须知,这一要素的存在是为了突显男孩的坚持不懈,因此应将其点出。此外,作者在描述图画汉字信息方面稍显生硬,建议不要直接写类似于“图中有几个汉字,写着……”之类的话语,而将其融入到自我感受或者图画寓意之中。同时,本段最后一句话稍显多余,建议删除。)
As is abundantly clear from the drawing, a(information不可数,删除) vital information can be conveyed—the importance of perseverance. Indeed, for everyone, perseverance, whether it is just in our university or to a diverse society(建议改为in any case),may exert a positive impact on our daily life. For example, in our university, encountering more(此处不强调对比,可改为various)difficulties in the process of researching is a common phenomenon. Yet,the same situation we face have(主语situation为单数,应保持主谓一致,改为has) entirely differencent (different)consequence (前面使用了different,表明不只有一个consequence,应使用复数consequences)resulting from the degree of perseverancing(改为perseverance,其本身即是名词) we exert. Meantime(改为In the meantime或Meanwhile), in our society,most people just understand the meaning of perseverance, but innovators work conciously(consciously,细心) on their perseverance(with perseverance),and they fellow(改为follow,注意形近词的区别) it through until they prove(加it)practicable. Thesefore(Therefore,细心),most people exaggerate the difficulties and overlook their strength of persevering(介词后可跟名词、代词或动名词,在不强调动作的情况下,当一个词汇即存在动名词又存在名词形式时,用名词形式。且建议改为the power of perseverance). The perseverance(改为Perseverance,在此表示抽象概念,前不加冠词) is that which(what) can stir us up most and make us the most courageous to do something and be something ourselves(建议改为make a difference).
(第二段点评:作者本段论述坚持不懈的重要性,主旨非常明确。需注意以下两点:第一,文章在论述时,给人一种围绕某一方面不断转换语言表达的感觉,并且未能切中要害,致使论述没有力度。建议作者在明确自己论点的基础上,从正反两个方面着手,对比坚持与半途而废的区别,亦可通过举例来加强论证。第二,本段内容逻辑性不强,彼此之间联系不够紧密,论述不集中,且存在衔接不得当的问题,如Therefore, most people exaggerate the difficulties…一句,其前后内容并不存在明显的因果关系。作者一方面需加强自己的逻辑思维能力,另一方面应强化连词的使用。)
In my opinion,perseverance is not only value but also habit(建议改为perseverance should not be a slogan but a habit)——habit that can be couraged(courage为名词,无动词词性) in society settings,with benifits (benefits)in later life. To be seen as (加a) healthy attitude in our life, the measures are clear(To be seen缺少逻辑主语):Alaways(Always) remain ourselves of avoiding lazy implication(受汉语影响,表述赘余,建议用stay positive) and cultivate a brave heart. In addition, children should be educated to elude negative outlook(outlooks) by parents and teachers so as not to be misguided,which will bring unanticipated satisfacations(satisfactions) and achieving(help to achieve) further success. All in all, whatever we do, do with perseverance, with the whole mind. It will spur us onto even greater heights.
(第三段点评:本段作者先重申坚持不懈的重要性,然后给出相关的建议措施,这一写作思路没有任何问题。建议作者在总结之时抓住重点即可,不要陷入细节之中。)
总体点评
作者的写作需注意以下几个方面的问题:
1. 文章字数过多,有284字,需适当删减。在构思和写作的过程中,应分清主次,过滤次要信息。
2. 文章有部分语法错误,如名词的可数与不可数、可数名词的单复数、主谓一致、冠词的使用和从句引导词的使用等问题,需加强相关的语法基础。
3. 在语言表达方面,存在以下两个问题:一是词汇量不够丰富,致使文章一些词汇重复出现,建议作者通过单词积累来对重复的词汇进行同义替换(如“毅力”可以用perseverance, willpower,persistence等),也可以使用相应的代词来替代前面出现的名词;二是文章不少语言受汉语影响,表达不地道,一些地方用语繁琐赘余。在平时的复习中,应积累常用的词组和短语,并通过阅读逐步提升自己的英语思维。
4. 文章有几处单词拼写错误,应细心,并注意形近词的区别。
因此,建议作者在构思时,选取最能体现文章主旨的内容,以有效控制文章字数。同时,在平日的复习之中,总结常用词汇的多种表述,并留意同义替换的方法技巧。此外,注意语法和语言表述等相关问题。只要找到努力的方向,并付诸行动,定能写出更好的文章,加油!
参考分数(满分20分):7
考研1号编辑部
2014年 10月30日 |