【考研1号】“2014作文修改”——【第二期英语二“互联网各种不良信息的来源”】

       亲爱的同学们，备受期待的第二期活动题目来啦。看之前请戳第一期活动总结：http://bbs.freekaoyan.com/thread-885286-8-1.html，对于提高写作很有用哦！

本期话题选自英语二写作书籍《写作宝中宝》，为图表作文，题目是“互联网各种不良信息的来源”

Directions:   
Study the following pie chart carefully and write an essay within at least 150 words，which is entitled as “Sources of Harmful Information”. Your essay must be written neatly on the ANSWER SHEET. It should cover these three points:
1. describe the picture and interpret the pie chart;
2. explain its intended meaning, and then
3. give your comments. (15 points)



        温馨提示：各位不要急于占楼，而是认真写作，以免因为赶时间而出现不必要的错误，不能展示自己真正的写作水准，并不能暴露自己写作真正存在的问题。在老师批改之前，先根据第一期的活动总结检查自己有没有类似的错误，这样才能提升更快！

冯信子 发表于 14-10-24 18:48
我明白啦~蟹蟹老师~~辛苦啦~

第一点是我自己钻进误区没走出来%>_

活动总结已发布，快来看哦，稍后会发新的一期话题，期待你的再次参与[r:8]

EllenWonka 发表于 14-10-17 22:05
As is vividly revealed in the pie chart,sources of harmful information can be divided into fo ...

写作原文
        As is vividly revealed in the pie chart, sources of harmful information can be divided into four parts. Obviously, spam is the biggest one, which occupies 73.68% of total, while malicious software owns the less（根据图画信息，应为least）, just 0.20%. The percentage of offensive websites come（本句的主语为the percentage，介词短语of offensive websites是其后置定语，应保持主谓一致，因此改为comes）the（删除） second with 24.05%. Except the above, the rest takes（用词不当，可改为accounts for）2.07%.
    （第一段点评：作者在描述图表时，先列举所占比例最大的来源，其次是所占比例最小的来源，然后再列举第二大来源，最后罗列除此之外的其他来源。这一思维逻辑不太符合常理。一般而言，所占比例应按照从大到小的顺序依次罗列，有时也可根据文章主旨选择从最小点切入。倘若文章要突出最大比例与最小比例的对比，则中间部分可以省略。根据文章下文，作者仅论述spam之所以占这么大比例的原因，因此其他信息可以一笔带过。）

        As a result, junk mail is the most disturbing trouble when we speak to（speak to意为“对……说”，“谈及”用speak of） harmful information in（on） the internet (Internet), and the negative influences of malware and bad websites cannot be neglected as well.
       （第二段点评：从结构角度而言，作者用一整段来描述图表寓意，致使文章一共有四段。需注意，考研英语写作一般为三段，点明寓意这一内容要么出现在第一段结尾，要么出现在第二段开头；从衔接角度而言，连词As a result使用不恰当，其表明的是因果关系，而上一段仅是在描述图表，junk mail is the most disturbing trouble…是分析图表之后得出的结论，因此应改为诸如To conclude之类的连词。从内容角度而言，文章下一段分析的是spam之所以为互联网不良信息最大来源的原因，并没有提及malware and bad websites，因此and及其后面的部分应该删除。）

        It is of no difficulty for us to come up with some factors responsible for this phenomenon. First of all, with the rapid development of internet（the Internet）, emailing becomes（建议用现在完成时has become）a part of human’s (改为our，用human强调所描述对象是人，而非动物或物品) daily life, which makes spam have（受汉语影响，建议删除。即用名词短语a huge probability…作宾语补足语）a huge probability to be read. Moreover, the cost—whether financially or the risk of being caught（financially and legally）—of sending spam is much less than making malicious software or offensive websites. Last but by no means least, makers of spam are too hard to be tracked down, while the speed of spreading junk mail online is too fast to be stopped（本句的主语是speed，介词短语of spreading junk为其后置定语，而与“阻止”搭配的是“传播”而不是“速度”）.
        （第三段点评：本段采用“总—分”的叙述方式，先用一个主旨句点明本段是在叙述现象原因，然后从“垃圾邮件的入口”“垃圾邮件的代价”和“垃圾邮件的传播特性”这三方面进行分析，说明垃圾邮件与其他方式相比更“受违法分子青睐”的原因。思路清晰，内容充实，衔接也比较自然。）

        Taking into account what has been argued so far, relevant departments should strengthen supervision to provide better internet environment（a clean Internet environment）. And when we surf online, we should discriminate harmful information（建议加from the good）, then avoid（加and，even无连词词性）even report it.
        （第四段点评：本段给出建议措施，但需注意：倘若文章主体部分为叙述原因，则从逻辑角度而言，后面的建议措施应针对原因给出。如果文章主体部分是在阐述某一事物的不良影响，则可以用strengthen supervision之类的通用套语。）

参考分数（满分15分）：7

总体点评
本文基本完成了题目规定的要求，需注意以下几方面的问题：
1. 在结构方面，考研英语作文一般为三段，第一段描述图画（图表）、点明寓意，第二段进行分析，第三段予以总结。如果描述图画（图表）字数较多，也可将点明寓意部分放在第二段开始。
2. 注意逻辑：小至描述图表的先后顺序、连词的使用，大至文章的整体构思，都要符合逻辑常理。尤其是连词的使用和文章的整体构思，一定要先理清前后内容之间的关系。此外，图表的寓意一定要与主体段落的分析相吻合，即作者要有全局意识，以使文章内容连贯、逻辑性强。
3. 文章有一些语法错误，如主谓不一致、介词使用不合适，需更加细心，并巩固相关的语法知识。
4. 文章有部分表达受到汉语的影响，不够地道，这一点需在平时的复习中积累总结，并通过阅读英文原著、报刊等逐步提升自己的英语思维。
   从作者的习作可知，作者的英文功底不错，如若能针对以上问题进行改进，一定能写出更好的考研英语作文！

                                                            

   考研1号编辑部
                                                              2014年 10月21日

       As is vividly revealed in the pie chart,sources of harmful information can be divided into four parts. Obviously,spam is the biggest one,which occupies 73.68% of total,while malicious software owns the less,just 0.20%. The percentage of offensive websites come the second with 24.05%. Except the above, the rest takes 2.07%.
　　As a result,junk mail is the most disturbing trouble when we speak to harmful information in the internet,and the negative influences of malware and bad websites cannot be neglected as well.
　　It is of no difficulty for us to come up with some factors responsible for this phenomenon. First of all,with the rapid development of internet,emailing becomes a part of human’s daily life,which makes spam have a huge probability to be read. Moreover, the cost--whether financially or the risk of being caught--of sending spam is much less than making malicious software or offensive websites. Last but by no means least,makers of spam are too hard to be tracked down,while the speed of spreading junk mail online is too fast to be stopped.
　　Taking into account what has been argued so far,relevant departments should strengthen supervision to provide better internet environment. And when we surf online,we should discriminate harmful information,then avoid even report it.




第一次写饼图，大概是纰漏百出QAQ
如果可以得到修改的话，就太感谢啦！
辛苦了哦~^ ^

支持一下~\(≧▽≦)/~

The pie chart given above compares the percentage distribution of sources of harmful information, manifesting that the junk mails account for more than 70 percent, the bad websites account for 24 percent more or less, ranking second and the rest of the chart which account for only 2 percent includes malicious software, etc.
  This pie graph reveals the problem of the health of current Internet. The harmful information would not merely cause our information leakage, contributing to intended businessmen, but convey unhealthy message to our fellow citizens as well, especially teenagers, who is subject to the influence of external world, so that they may imitate the immoral behaviours, even criminal conduct.
  It has been that harmful information, which is quite aside from causing damaging to our computers’ system, brings enormous pollution to our eyes and hearts so that we have to take measures to deal with these disgusting trash. On the one hand, It’s a wisdom that we pay attention to the data security. Of all the methods, the preliminary step is taking advantage of code protection. Only when we set the codes in the light of the instructions do we have possibilities to keep our information secret. Besides, we should skim through the websites consciously and never fill up with our own information mindlessly. On the other hand, legislation for harmful information should be issued. It’s high time that the relative departments racked their brain to work against hakers and other wicked businessmen to guard the surfing circumstances around our fellow citizens.

What words could be described your feelings when you observe your mail occupied with massive rubbish e-mails? You may groan that I have enough of them. Just as the pie chart show, rubbish e-mail take an overwhelming proportions-73.68%-in the source of harmful information, malignant website second-held 24.25% of it-following e-mails. Elaborately and luminously, the pie chart given above illustrates an issue: a smashing success in technological discoveries bring about not only highly living standard but also much more invaders.

What accounts for the phenomenon? What should be responsible for our devastating life? We aren't allow ourselves to be blind to rubbish e-mails lest we ignore the critical information. It goes without saying that people who distribute the useless information are the one to be blame and the soften online supervision system also fail to escape from liability. More importantly, we are the one to browse website without privacy protection, harboring no idea what we left. It is indisputable that we are entitled to reproach the Internet, but it can't be the only thing we can do, the best thing we should do, or we will end in the endless circle.

Thus, to cope with it, government department are supposed to take effective and concrete steps to punish the website and individuals who send ads e-mails by hook and by crook to us. In addition, it is high time to cultivate awareness of privacy. As individual, we answer for ourselves, attach much importance to our personnel information such as e-mail address, no exposure, bad people will be at their wit's end to dwell on.







写的痛苦死了，半条命都快没了

支持~~~欢迎都加入进来~~~[p:31]

The chart shows the different kinds of harmful and wasteful information reported on the Internet. Among the information surveyed, waste mails take a lion share, as much as 73.68%,posing a serious threat on the atmosphere of the net, while the unhealthy webs rank second, taking up 24.05%.The vicious software  and other factors occupy 0.2% and 2.07% respectively.
Several contributors weigh heavily for this phenomenon, yet, there are two kernels suspended on the top of the list. On the one hand, with the quickening of technology and advance of society, a large growing number of personnel enjoy the convenience arising from the high-tech, while the technology, as a double-edged sword, becomes the platform where the waste information can be conveyed freely, which incurs the prevalence of junk mails. On the other hand, it is a widely accepted fact that due to lack of effective regulations, people across the country can spread large variety of information at well.
Fortunately, it is not the Day of Judgement. It is, undoubtedly, very time that we should take some available methods to end up Internet full of waste information , involving laying down the effective regulations to censor the foundations of the web, researching advanced technology filtering the junk mails and vicious software. Only in a healthy, orderly, and harmonious net environment can we enjoy the happiness of surfing the Internet.

是不是排到后面了
老师如果没有时间修改我的作文，麻烦能不能看一遍，给我个分数啊，谢谢老师了

   Various of sources of malicious information in the internet is shown in the pie chart based on a series of messages informed against by users from May 1st to May 31st. Obvious is that the junk mail is the main contributor which occupies 73.68%. Next is bad website that owns nearly a quarter and the rest counts of just 2.27%.
    From the chart, we may arrive at a conclusion that the primary source is spam mails. But what may cause this? On the one hand, those who create bad information are lack of common courtesy. On the other hand, it is us who do have no sense of security that leave our personal details anywhere. Hence the junk mail appears.
    Fortunately, several could be done to cope with it. First, government should increase the supervision and regulation of the web. What’s more, it is substantial to take measures to raise the moral level. The last but not the list, for us victims, protecting our personal information also makes a difference.

    The above pie chart depicts the precise proportion about varies report cases of harmful and rubbish information on the internet in May, 2010, which discloses a truth of matter that internet is inundated with unhealthy information. The rubbish emails take the most of the part, accounting for 73.68%,followed with unhealthy websites and spiteful software.
    It is a striking morning call to send us a significant message that harmful information on the internet has been the injurious insect of our life. In the first place, due to the vast majority of our advertising emails sent to us, we always miss the vital email. In the second place, some websites are full of violence and erotic images that are bad for juveniles. Last but not the least, hackers with skillful computer technology can intrude our computer or mobile phone by spiteful software.
    To curb the current evil phenomenon revealed in the pie chart, we may reach the conclusion that active measure have to be take immediately. On one hand, we should be sensible enough to protect our private information. On the other hand, some relevant laws and regulations should be issued to protect web safety. Both the administration and folks should join hands to solve the problem. Only in this way, can we build a secure network..
[p:27] 老师辛苦了！

      写完后我自己花了点时间把看得见的错误（错词，简单语法）修改了一下，另外稍微调了一下句子顺序。剩下的问题还望老师能费时指正，谢谢……                     

                                                                 Sources of Harmful Information
      The pie chart above shows the statistic of harmful information sources’ accusing situation of Internet throughout May, from which we can be informed it’s the “garbage mails” that takes the most place by 73.68%, leaving the rest part to “unhealthy websites””bad-intended softwares” and “others”, each possesses 24.05%, 0.2%, 2.07%.
       The harmful information source of Internet is keeping increasing rapidly nowadays within the frequently changed information environment of Internet. As every coin has two sides, though the high developed Internet does make it more convenient and helpful for our life, it also makes itself no longer safe. That’s to say, once our personal information be inputted into the Internet, the information’s safety is under risk. The people who driven by benefit and profit, taking advantage of the progress, collecting and manipulating personal information illegally, putting the harmful information whatever they want on the Internet is to blame.
       In my view, the key to solve “harmful information” problem is to build and strengthen the Internet censorship, to punish the culprit severely. Only in this way will we have a better, safer circumstance that we should have had for surfing.